The Mundane Life of A. Shelton

Mental Health Issues

2011-09-19T19:52:00.002-06:00

Recently, over the past four or five months, I've been struggling with my Bipolar Disorder. Last year, about this time, I was taken off of Quetiapine and it was replaced with a new medication, Risperidone. Now, Risperidone has similar properties to Quetiapine, in that it's a mood stabilizer and sleep enabler, but the second function is much less invasive and much more gentle than Quetiapine's sleep enabling properties were.

Quetiapine--take medication, go to bed, zonked out. Get up, go back to bed for three hour nap an hour after.

Risperidone--Take medication, go to bed, drift off to sleep within two hours, wake up feeling rested, no nap required.

To put a finer point on it, I once went to a morning appointment to see my primary care doctor while I was on Queitapine. By the time I got into her office, I was incoherent and couldn't even enunciate when I was making an effort to. She drove me home (I love the medical care I get here) and escorted me into my apartment to make sure that I got home safe. Risperidone doesn't do that to me.

Well, I was started off on a half-pill of my current dose of Risperidone, and it didn't take long for me to start cycling again. These weren't wild out-of-whack cycles, but mild. Still, they were frustrating. They wiped out my ability to write for days, sometimes weeks, and the worst episode has occurred since May or June--one long bipolar cycle (you may recall I'm mixed state--if you didn't, I just reminded you).

Now, when my writing goes, I really worry, because if my writing is gone, that, to me, is a sign that I'm not far from spending all day every day in bed. When this most recent cycle began (it's been the worst of the lot), I got an appointment with my psych doc and he upped the dosage of my Risperidone. That seemed to work for a while, but I was still having periods where I wasn't getting any ideas for writing (I've been working on getting past my issue with hurting my characters) for days or sometimes weeks.

Well, to solve that, I saw my psych doc again, and he increased the dosage of my Geodon to the top limit, and it seems to be working. I'm having days where I'm not writing, but that's because I'm blocked, not because I don't have ideas, and that, though frustrating, doesn't worry me. I can handle being blocked. I'm also feeling more interested in other activities, like crocheting and reading and just plain getting out of the apartment.

As for how I noticed I was cycling, I reviewed my writing logs. This makes me glad I keep them now, and has made me more determined to keep up with them. They make a good barometer of my state of mental health.

Anxiety and Writing Advice

2010-11-11T12:05:00.002-07:00

An online friend from Forward Motion recently provided a link to a site called The Sharp Angle. In the interests of improving my writing, I enthusiastically added the link to my favorites link and have been visiting daily to read the updates. Aside from the wave of enlightenment I've received from one post on the blog, there's been an uncomfortable side effect.

Anxiety.

I recently asked for my proper psych diagnoses, and along with the Mixed-state Bipolar Disorder, I've also got unspecified anxiety. I've been aware of this anxiety for about a year or so now, on a conscious level, and my therapist has provided me some advice and methods to work past it. I've only just in the past couple weeks realized that my discomfort with writing advice in general is in fact anxiety.

It actually surprised me, though I don't know why it should have. I've come across the anxiety in filling out forms, in some social situations, and in a small variety of other things. I also don't know why I didn't recognize this discomfort as anxiety in the first place. Well, perhaps its understandable; I've been avoiding writing advice for the most part because of the discomfort it gives me, so that could explain why I haven't recognized it as anxiety before now and why it surprised me so much when I made that realization.

Basically, what happens is I read writing advice, and it makes me worry. I know that I can't follow everything perfectly all the time, but it makes me worry that I'm not doing things right. It also makes me worry that what I've already done is bad. Not wrong, but bad, as in pathetic, ugly, uninteresting. Especially with regards to my writing.

Part of dealing with this is slowing my breathing and taking deep breaths until I feel calmer. Once I feel calmer, I'm able to find things to do to distract myself from the anxiety thoughts. I'm able to come back to my writing and see it for what it really is. Imperfect but still mostly good and worth keeping. If I do happen to find something I'm unhappy with it, I'm able to cut it from the main WIP and paste it to its own file for future reference. I'm able to read over what's been previously written with an open mind toward connecting future occurrences in the story to what I'm working with presently. And I'm able to do this while keeping that writing advice in mind.

I think part of what helps about The Sharp Angle is that the articles are fairly short. By the time I'm starting to worry, I'm nearly done with the article, and I'm interested enough to finish before I sit back and work on calming myself. I've got writing advice books, but I'm too uncertain to tackle them just yet, even the ones I've read before. They're much longer, and I rather dread reading through them again. But small articles focusing on one or another aspect of writing are easy to get past.

New Medication and Other Things

2010-09-30T01:36:00.007-06:00

Well, I've received and been taking my new sleep/mood stabilization medication for the past two weeks. I'm now on 2mg of Risperidone in addition to my 120mg of Geodon, and it's made a big improvement. Prior to receiving it, I'd stopped taking my Quetiapine because it caused me to require a nap about an hour or so after getting up, no matter how long I slept prior to rising. Even if I remained in bed for an hour after waking, that grogginess would hit me an hour after rising. It caused me to fall asleep and removed my ability to speak coherently.

The Risperidone is doing much better along that line. Unfortunately, it takes a couple hours to work if I take it with food. So, that means I go to bed, then spend two or more hours laying awake wondering when sleep is going to arrive. It works the same even if I'm exhausted. On the positive side, when I rise after sleeping, I don't get groggy, I can speak coherently, and even when I haven't slept enough, it doens't drag my ass out like the Quetiapine did even after more than 8 hours solid sleep. In fact, yesterday, I got only about 5 hours sleep and even though I had some difficulty with speech, it wasn't to the extent that I couldn't speak at all, and my slight grogginess faded the longer I remained awake. I may contact my psych doc to ask him about the options of increasing the dose so that I get to sleep sooner, but as long as I get at least 7-8 hours sleep, I do perfectly fine with it.

A couple years ago, I purchased a flute and started out practicing it right away. Unfortunately, I rather rushed through the first few lessons and grew discouraged after a few weeks. I actually haven't picked it up for over a year until this past Sunday, and I've been working on the lessons more slowly. I've been practicing the first note (one which proved difficult for me to attain the first time I tried this), but I've been having an easier time with this particular note this time around. I'm still on the first note and am now learning how to produce proper quarter notes with it; I intend to practice this for a few days as well, because my timing on the notes isn't quite there yet with just one practice session, though my consistency with the high F note is improving each time I practice. I practice for an hour right now, pausing when my left arm grows too tired to hold its position, but plan on lengthening practices on every third lesson or so, depending on how well I think I'm doing. One thing that's surprised me is the apparent return of my mini-obsession with my flute. The first time I tried learning to play it, there were times I'd spend an hour or so just polishing the damn thing, and that habit has reappeared. This rather amuses me.

One of my personal goals is to restructure my day. I'd like to get back on a schedule where I sleep at night before doing this, but I'm not sure how that'll work. I need to set up the schedule first, I think, and that means starting to take my fantasy writing more seriously. I have four projects "in progress" at the moment; their titles are posted on Pen and Keyboard, and I'll post my writing goals there as well. I also want to include my flute practice and perhaps get some books to do with a language I think I'd like to learn and do that as well. Seeing as college is pretty much out of my reach at the moment, I think the best I can do is educate myself, and I intend to do my best in that regard since I have hours on end to fill with such things and the mental capacity to perform such activities. One of my long term goals is to do my best to keep my mind active enough to avoid dementia, and hopefully these goals will go some way toward doing just that.

Mental Health Issues (or, the Joys of Being Bipolar)

2010-09-04T18:07:00.004-06:00

I've been having difficulty finding a dose of my sleeping medication that doesn't cause me to get groggy and incoherent within an hour or two of rising. This necessitates my return to bed for a nap, and that's something I'm trying to get away from. Though the cpap machine I've now got has cut my hours of actual sleep from 12-14 to around 7-8, the problem with the Quetiapine (Seroquel) was frustrating, particularly if I happened to have an appointment, because I was getting into appointments just about the time the groggy incoherency would kick in. In fact, the last time I saw my primary care docotor, we had to cut the visit short because I couldn's speak at all, and she drove me home and escorted me into my apartment to make sure I got home safe. Even on the quarter dose I've been taking recently, I was having difficulty speaking when I visited my therapist.

So, during my psych appointment yesterday, my psych doc and I discussed the options. He's going to try me on a new medication, whose name I've forgotten. He says it might cause weight gain, but that's not a consistent side effect, and he's starting me on a pretty low dose, which I'm to take at night. Like the Quetiapine, it's supposed to help stabilize my mood.

Though I wasn't able to focus really well during my therapy visit, I did manage to outline some goals I have for therapy. We weren't able to discuss how to get me to them because of my vague incoherency, and I had to schedule another appointment. My current therapy goals include getting past my anxiety over filling forms (yes, I know it seems silly, but it's not really when you're looking at a new, complicated form and feeling tears fill your eyes), getting my writing up to speed (read more on that on my writing blog), and taking responsibility (which I've begun to do by accepting the appointment to Secretary for my square dance club). They all sort of tie into each other, particularly with the responsibility part.

I've recently been in a slight manic phase, having difficulty sleeping and focusing on things, but I think it's passing. Either that, or it's fluctuating a little each day. Some days I'm not able to make things connect, or touch the ideas I need for my writing, others I feel pretty okay and can do those things without a problem. I'm hoping I'm not heading for a depression, but that if I am, it'll be a mild one like the mania. I think, like my psych doc said, that not taking the Quetiapine regularly is having an effect, and I want my new medication to come in soon--and hope it works. I should probably have asked my psych doc to arrange for me to pick it up from the pharmacy while I was up at the VA yesterday, but they're trying to get more people to do mail order refills, and that's how I usually get my meds, so they should be here by next Thursday or Friday instead. I'll be glad.

What I'm Doing Now

2010-08-23T00:08:00.004-06:00

I know I don't often update here, but I like having this blog for when I do feel like babbling about things. Yes, I babble, and I'm going to here.

About this time last year, I joined a square dance club and started taking lessons. Now, the last time I square danced was sometime in the eight grade--when I was about 15 or 16. I loved that module in P.E. and had great fun. When I discovered a square dance booth at Pride last year, I watched them dance, then signed up. I haven't regretted a moment. You'll find links to the national organization and the local group I belong to. They're geared for LGBT but welcome anyone, whether or not you already have a partner (most straight groups, from what I understand, require you have a partner to join in). Temple Squares is the group I belong to, and which I am now the Secretary for. Wish me luck. The appointment is both daunting and exciting.

I won't be going to college this fall. I discovered that I still have some anxiety issues over filling out forms when I went around applying for college and the financial aid I needed. I'm disappointed, but at the same time I'm glad to have learned of this, because this was something I thought I'd solved some time ago (which was why I thought I could do college). Life is so much fun when you're mentally ill, let me tell you.

I'm still writing, almost daily. Check my writing blog for updates on that. I'm currently working on a genre that isn't fantasy, and it's running fine. I've got plans for my fantasy stuff, so visit Pen and Keyboard for information on that. I should be updating more frequently as I settle into what I'm doing with my writing.

Personal Writing Manifesto

2010-07-30T14:49:00.003-06:00

One of my writerly friends made a post on her LJ (Fire and Silk - My Personal Writing Manifesto) about her writing goals. These are not goals as in "I will write 1k words a day," but as in what she actually wants to do with her writing. I kind of like this idea, but since I'm a Blogger bitch, I'm posting mine here.

1. I want to share my writing. I don't care right now if I get paid for it or not.

2. I want to entertain people. I want to make them laugh, and I want to make them cry. I want to make them feel like their hearts are being ripped out the same time my characters are feeling that way.

3. I want to learn from my writing and how to improve my writing.

4. I want to write stories that interest me. I figure if I'm not interested in writing the story, nobody will be interested in reading it.

5. I want to enjoy writing. I want to have fun with it. I want to laugh with my characters, cry over their heartbreaks, and feel angry and upset at the same time my characters are. I figure this is the best way to elicit the same responses from my readers.

6. I want to write at my own pace, using my own methods. This means that if it takes me a year to finish a rough draft of a story, I'll take that time. This means that if I have to start ten stories to finish one, that's what I will do. My working process is different for each of the genres I write in, and I've discovered that trying to use one process for a different genre usually backfires to the point where I never finish anything. I will carry this goal into publishing, if I ever get that far, too, and I understand perfectly well that it's no way to make a living off of writing.

7. I will not make my living off of writing. I'm not the kind of writer who can do that, and I'm not going to bother trying. If I publish anything, I'll publish it when it's done, and screw getting a contract for two sequels on a book that was never meant to have sequels anyway. If the book isn't done, I won't accept a contract for it.

8. I will write according to my own style, and the style which the story I'm writing demands. This means that if I'm writing something highly formal (as a story set in Imotina tends to be), that's the style I'll use. This also means that if it gets sold, I will do my best to retain that style. This also means that if I'm writing something far less formal (as MTTM is), then I will write in a style suitable for that story. My style shifts, sometimes a great deal, depending on the requirements of the story, and I have projects in both first and third points of view and in both past and present tense.

Disability and Working

2009-08-28T19:55:00.005-06:00

For the past year, I've been considering working. Why so long to think about it? Partially because I've been building up my courage and confidence, and partly because I've been researching what I can and can't do while on Disability.

Understandably, the courage and confidence part of this preparation relies on myself alone. I have to prepare myself for work. It's taken a lot longer than I thought it would, and part of that is because mental illness, by its very nature, destroys a person's self-confidence, and the destruction varies, depending on whether or not the person with the mental illness is able to tough it out somewhat. What I mean by "tough it out" is keeping up with regular, daily life practices, including working, if one has a job. I didn't do this; I quit working, and last year, when I first started considering returning to work, it had been approximately two years since I had last done so. As a result, I've had to work myself up to the confidence level necessary for job hunting.

This includes planning what kinds of jobs I'd like to do. I know what I'm good at: dishwashing and manufacturing jobs. I've also had experience working as tech support for a national satellite dish company. I think my manufacturing jobs could have prepared me for stock work, as well. This may not seem like a lot, but I believe it gives me a good variety of jobs, even if I'm not able to apply for manufacturing jobs for lack of transportation options.

The next step I had was to research, and research again, and again, and again--so I would fricking well remember what I'd been researching--what my options are with Disability. The search starts here, on the Social Security Administration's homepage. When you type "Disability and working" in the search bar, you get this page. Click the first option, and you get the Working While Disabled--How We Can Help pdf file. It's actually the online version of a pamphlet you could probably get from your local Social Security office if you're unwilling to read it online.

In Working While Disabled--How We Can Help, you'll find important information about working while disabled, including the various programs they have to help you launch yourself back into the workforce. These include the Ticket To Work program, which you may already know about because the SSA sends this out fairly frequently. It is, I believe, the method they prefer people to use to return to work, based on the frequency the Ticket To Work comes to my mailbox. If you're like me, you've probably received more than one offer to rejoin the workforce using this particular program since your disability was approved.

If reading the pamphlet online is too daunting, and you don't want to go to your social security office to request the printed version, you may do your research here, on the FAQ page. It'll take a little longer, but the same information available in the pamphlet is available here, usually in little factoid bites for easy consumption. Be aware that there are more than one page to this FAQ page. If you look at the top, you'll see an easy-to-use mechanism for sorting the questions to make your search for information simpler.

One last note: The information I've given here can be applied to those of you receiving SSI, as well as those receiving SSDI. If you're retired, the searches will be a little different, but the FAQ page is an excellent place to start.

Weird Connections

2009-08-05T16:43:00.003-06:00

I've recently been on a hypomanic swing, staying up all night and all. Great fun. One of the freaky results of this is that my mind makes really strange connections. A few days ago, after an all-nighter, my mind decided to make a connection between a secondary character in a WIP I've abaondoned and a song I recently downloaded through my Zune account. The character is Meletus, who has an affinity for expensive clothes, restaurants, and wine. The song is Peter Frampton's "Do You Feel Like We Do," the opening line of which is, "Woke up this morning with a wineglass in my hand. Whose wine, what wine, where the hell did I dine?"

Odd as the connection is, it's still very apt, and it makes me laugh.

Mental Health and Creating Yourself

2009-05-13T00:26:00.002-06:00

Several weeks ago, or perhaps two months or more ago, I purchased a mug that fits a life philosophy that I've developed and hadn't realized I had until I saw the mug. It was at the Friends of the Library store in the Main Library of Salt Lake City; it's a black mug, with white print on it, and it says, "Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

This started me thinking.

Mental illness, and particularly the kind of mental illness that begins with a breakdown of any kind, rather forces the sufferer to change. It's rather like the military, in that it breaks you down. Unlike the military, however, it does not build you back up, into a (hopefully) new and improved person, ready to face fresh new challenges. It breaks you down, then, depending on how long you go without care and how severe the symptoms of your particular mental illness, may spend a while kicking you while you're on the metaphorical ground. This, of course, is hardly pleasant.

Mental illness requires that the sufferer take the initiative. If you don't, you'll only get worse. This first requires that the sufferer admit that they are ill, of course, and that is the hardest step. However, many people do not progress beyond that point. They are miserable and either don't care to improve themselves or don't see how, or, and worst, they're waiting for someone else to lead them through life by the hand.

In any recovery process, whether it be for a physical problem, an interpersonal problem, or mental health issue, the sufferer must take the initiative. If you don't, the physical problem, interpersonal situation, or mental health issue will not improve. In some cases, the situation doesn't get any worse. But, in most cases, especially in mental health, the situation worsens.

Mental illness does not get better on its own. It can't, because you have to fix the very thing that you need to keep you going. And your mental illness will not change until you decide that you need to get better. Mental illness cannot be wished away. That sooo doesn't work. And admitting that you're mentally ill and then doing nothing on your own about it doesn't help either.

Granted, you can get a good therapist, but all that therapist can do is listen and, if they're a good one, point you in the directions you need to go. What that therapist, no matter how skilled he/she is, cannot do is lead you about by the hand. You have to take the advice and use it yourself. Neither can your psych doc, the one who prescribes your meds, if you need them. Neither of these people has the time, or, frankly, the inclination, to lead you about by the hand.

So, what some mentally ill people who don't care to get better do is burden themselves on friends and family. Generally, this works quite well for the sufferer, but it's not helping anyone, least of all the sufferer. Because the sufferer, the mentally ill person, is doing nothing on their own, and they need to. This is called coasting. Nothing improves when you're coasting, and if you're mentally ill and coasting, you're torturing the people you're relying on.

Yes, torturing. Granted, they may put up with you for the rest of your life if you're coasting, relying on them to lead you through life. Many mentally ill people get through life like this, but it fosters resentment and anger. Which in turn make you more miserable if you're mentally ill. There is a reasonable amount of frustration and anger allowed for the mentally ill. You do have a right to feel put-upon and temperamental. But if you just wallow in those emotions, you're hurting not only yourself but those around you. And you're certainly not helping yourself. But there are many who do this, who coast through life. Really, the best thing that can be done for such people, who do not wish to take control of their lives and work at recovering from their mental illness, is for the people they're relying on to just stop helping.

I said that, and I mean it. Stop. Nobody is being helped. Not really. And everyone in the situation is being hurt. And, unless you're a masochist and enjoy hurting, there really is no good reason to stick around and help someone who isn't willing to help themselves. And, oh, the mentally ill who require this of people will piss and moan and groan about how their lives are so horrible and that it's all their fault for not continuing to babysit them. And emotional blackmail does work. Too well.

These people are "finding" themselves. And what they're "finding" isn't making them happy because they're not working at that happiness. And, yes, you have to work at being happy; it's not a free gift that you get at any point in your life--at least, not the kind of happiness we all want.

But there are many, many more mentally ill people who work at improving themselves. They want to get well, to be functional, to be a part of the world. They use therapy properly, to recover from their mental illness and improve themselves. They take their meds religiously. They take the time, and put forth the effort, to learn what triggers their depressions, psychoses, and bipolar episodes. They're rebuilding themselves, making themselves better, and in many cases, stronger people.

They are, in effect, creating themselves.

And perfectly mentally healthy people can do this, too. They don't necessarily need to seek the assistance of a therapist to do so. All it takes is spending a little time thinking about the person you want to be. And then working towards becoming that person. The fact is, many people don't really know who they are because they never bothered to decide to get to know themselves. They're not happy and go on hunting expeditions to "find" themselves when there's really nothing to be found because they haven't put in the time, effort, energy, and attention into making themselves into the people they want to be.

Really, seeking to "find" yourself is an expedition to failure. There's nothing to find. What there is is what you are, and that is the perfect basis for working toward what you want to be.

Bipolar and Writing

2009-04-01T14:42:00.007-06:00

http://maantren.blogspot.com/2009/03/writing-and-depression-kiwiburger.html offered some questions to answer about depression. I, personally, have mixed-state bipolar disorder, and I thought it would be helpful for me to answer the questions available.

1. What Is Depression?

There are actually slightly different definitions of depression. There is the one-time, severe depression brought on by an uncontrollable circumstance in life, such as losing a job.

There is clinical depression, where the sufferer has periods of severe depression and a general low mood all the time; I have been diagnosed with this, and the way it was best explained to me was this: imagine a graph with three horizontal lines. The top line is very good mood, the middle line is average mood, and the low line is depression. Now, draw on that graph a wavy line that sometimes touches the average-mood line but spends more time near, on, or below the depression line.

Then there are the Bipolar disorders.

Standard bipolar disorder includes cycling from mania or hypomania to depression. You can be a rapid cycler, which means you go from mania to depression and back again several times within a week or day or just a few hours; or you can be a slow cycler, which means you spend anywhere from two months to much longer in one cycle before moving into a the opposite pole of emotions.

I have mixed-state bipolar disorder. This means I present symptoms of both mania--in my case, hypomania--and depression at the same time. Most often, this means that I am outwardly happy and cheerful but deep, deep inside I'm feeling down. What this means is, I have NO way of predicting what I'll be doing one day to the next. Presently, for instance, I'm interested in taking my prescribed daily walk, writing, doing come crocheting with a movie on, and reading. I also want to get some housework done, and I want to unpack my stuff from staying at my girlfriend's a couple nights. At the same time, I really just want to sit and do NOTHING. The desire to do those things I listed is the hypomania (which is also nagging me to go spend some money I don't have), and the lack of interest in doing anything is the depression. Right now, considering I'm doing this, the mania has a slightly stronger influence. And, I still cycle. There are periods when I can't sleep, others when all I want to do is sleep (this is my depression; other people have difficulty sleeping).

Here, this link to the NIMH page on Bipolar disorder can give you some more information: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolardisorder/complete-index.shtml

2. How is it different from just having a bad day?

When you are unmedicated bipolar, or you don't have the correct medications yet, things are blown all out of proportion. You will either fluctuate between periods of extreme functioning and complete inability to function. Before I was diagnosed as bipolar, I was completely nonfunctioning. I laid in bed all day, didn't eat, hid from people, didn't go out, didn't do anything. I had a few manic days when I would get out, eat, do housework, spend time with friends, but much of the time I was in bed. And, on those days when I was manic, everything was good, without exception. Nothing bad that happened could get me down. On my nonfunctioning days, if I had to get out of bed and go to an appointment, that made the day bad. Just getting out of bed to do more than use the bathroom.

Once I started getting medications, they mostly consisted of antidepressants, because I was still misdiagnosed as clinically depressed. And, after a while, antidepressants stop working for me. When they'd stop working properly, I'd still function, but my bad days--say, I'd miss the bus I needed; no problem, another bus comes after a short amount of time, right? Being depressed magnified that wait. It was horribly long, I would be in an instant temper, and I'd snap and bitch.

3. What does it feel like on the inside?

It feels like you're being drawn in two conflicting directions. For me, I consider feeling slightly more interested in doing things to be my "average," because I just don't get anything done if my depression is in control.

Sometimes, I have periods when I can't focus; one of the symptoms I have is an obsessive thought process. Medications cannot control this all the time, so I have to figure out something outside of myself to do.

4. What can it look like from the outside, ie. from the perspective of friends/acquaintances?

That depends upon what cycle you're in. When you're manic, you appear happy, cheerful, and well. When you're depressed, if you're not good at hiding it, you appear unfocused, distant, and unemotional. Both states have a certain amount of dissociation involved, at least from my experience, where you may not respond to certain situations with what are perceived to be the correct emotions; for example, you may laugh if something painful or traumatic happens.

5 In what way is depression a part of your life?

As I stated above, with my mixed-state bipolar disorder, I cannot predict what I'll be doing or feeling. When I worked, I had more frequent manic periods, was more temperamental, and less patient. Now that I'm not working, it just dictates what I do when each day; on especially down days, I'll reschedule appointments if I have any, and on especially up days, I'll go out and associate with complete strangers.

With regards to my writing, my mental illness makes it more difficult to identify problems I'm having with it, especially when I'm blocked or I've written something I'm not happy with. Recently, I shelved a project that I'd been focusing on consistently for about three years, and I went through a period where I didn't write at all. It took me a couple weeks to figure out exactly why I wasn't writing, because I at first thought it was depression (it wasn't; it was actually some sort of grieving for the project that I gave up on).

When something sudden, brief, and traumatic happens, I go into freeze mode then obsessively think about what I was or wasn't able to do when I was in the situation after the situation's over. I dissociate, because that's the easiest reaction.

6. If you live with depression, how/when did you first realize it? Was there a formal diagnosis at some point?

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 19. At 28, after, I thought, my depression was long gone, I joined the Navy; the A-School I was sent to broke me, and I came out a complete nonfunctioning basketcase. I was consistently misdiagnosed until about '03, when I was given the diagnosis of bipolar disorder. When I applied for the pension from the VA, the doctor who saw me for my mental health evaluation diagnosed me as mixed-state bipolar disorder based on what I said my mood was, the mood I was presenting, and some of the things I said ("I can't seem to stop spending money when I have it"--symptom of mania). This was in December of '05.

7. What were some early experiences with depression that had an impact?

As a teenager with depression, I stopped making friends, and I have had a difficult time doing so ever since.

As an adult with bipolar disorder, I have to receive SSDI in order to survive as my mental illness prevents me from working well. I miss days of work, have difficulty sleeping, and am generally not a very good person to be around.

8. If you write, how does it affect your writing?

When I'm off meds, I don't write. I don't function.

When I'm on the correct meds, I write almost every day, usually at least 2k words. I'm able to plan out what I'm writing before hand, do the writing, and I can remain focused thorughout the period I'm writing. I read more, I actually do the exercise I need to, and I eat regularly--all of these things are necessary for writing.

9. What have you found useful for coping? What's NOT useful?

Not working is a great deal of help. Stress increases the freqency of my cycling and increases my depressive moods and makes me tempermental.

Medications help as well. This is a considered decision based on the fact that I was nonfunctioning without the correct medications. I currently take 160 mg of Ziprasidone (Geodon) a day, with anywhere from 25-100mg of Quetiapine Fumarate to help me get to sleep at night and stay asleep all night. I have recently ceased taking an antidepressant because it wasn't working. All of this is with the knowledge of my therapist and primary care doctor and the approval of my psych doc.

Other things I find useful are reading, listening to music, writing, getting out of the apartment, and visiting with friends and family.

10. What advice would you give to a young person, interested in writing, who's beginning to realise that depression will be a part of their life?

If you feel consistently down, GET HELP. Tell some one. Keep telling people. Go to a school counselor, mental health facility, call a helpline if one is available in your area.

If you're getting help, make sure to be OPEN about EVERYTHING with your therapist and your psych doc. They can't help you if you aren't honest. Your psych doc can't make an accurate diagnosis if you don't keep them updated on your emotions and moods. Don't be afraid to insist on a rediagnosis if you feel that you're not properly diagnosed, and look on changes to new therapists and psych docs positively. You won't always get good ones, but viewing the change positively will put you in the proper mood to accept what they say/do with confidence and willingness. Don't be afraid of the therapy process. They're there to help you. If you feel you're not getting the care you deserve, either from your psych doc or your therapist, do what you can to get someone else. But FIRST, give everyone you see a chance, and that means meeting them more than once or twice. It takes time to build a relationship with your psych doc and your therapist. Give the relationship time to develop before deciding you're not being helped.

Don't be afraid to be honest about whether or not your medications are working, if you are on or must take medications. If you're not taking medications, make sure you're equally honest about your emotions and moods.

An Open Letter To Rob

2009-02-25T05:51:00.006-07:00

Rob,

You have made some judgments about me based on pure speculation, and I would like to give you some facts to base your judgments of me upon.

You cannot control, manipulate, or frighten me.

You called me a lesbian. I am not, strictly speaking, a lesbian. If you must put a label upon me, call me a bisexual. I prefer to call myself panamorous, which means all-loving, for I have no set type in either gender that I seek out. I would as happily date a transgender individual as I am now dating your ex-wife.

The last time I can recall my appearance being insulted was when I was in the sixth grade. My class's bully called me, among other things, "Bugs Bunny." I always responded with, "Thank you for the compliment." Though exaggerated, I lacked all but one of the characteristics of this cartoon character, and I admired them all. I longed to be as witty, funny, and entertaining as he was, and I learned to employ my creativity and took great pride in it. I must once again say, "Thank you for the compliment," though you refered to me as "a sick version of Nanny McPhee." I was at first hurt by this, until I realized that you were texting in ignorance. I researched the movie and learned that the character of Nanny McPhee is in fact a caring, generous, and magical woman. These are all characteristics I admire and try to emulate.

I must say, however, that you lack the same creativity my last stepfather lacked. He is a drunk, and the best he could do to insult me was call me a bitch. However, bitch is the correct breeding term for a female dog, and all dogs are loyal and love unconditionally. These are also traits that I try to emulate.

That is not to say that I love blindly. I have learned the folly of that for myself.

Yet, I still love unconditionally. I even love you. I do this with my eyes open, with complete understanding of your personality as you reveal it to me through your actions toward your eldest biological child and your ex-wife, my girlfriend. I would not be doing God's work for me on this earth if I did not do my best to love you as I love them already.

I intend to be with your ex-wife for as long as she'll have me. Even if we break up, I hope that we will remain friends. I do not give up those I care for easily. You will not chase me away, no matter how you manipulate your daughter, no matter your hatred of me based on the superficialities of my appearance and sexuality. It is solely up to your ex-wife to tell me to abandon her, and I will be doing my best to see that she has as complete an understanding of your behavior as I can give her.

I am far from perfect; I am selfish, self-centered, and have a tendency to put more value in the material than there really is. But what I am doing is to improve myself. I am not only trying to live compassionately and positively, but to live vertically through life. I am in the care necessary to control my mental illness, devote time and thought to my shortcomings so that I may move away from them, and endeavor to think more of others than of myself.

You may not believe it, but I am a Godly person. You may not believe it possible of non-heterosexuals, because your religion teaches you that any sexuality besides heterosexuality is wrong. But I am one of my mother's two miracle children, who should not have been conceived, according to the doctor who tied my mom's fallopian tubes. God created me, gave me this life, and the instruction to love. This I will do, to the best of my ability. You cannot alter that, no matter your beliefs.

These are but a few of the facts of myself, given as a gift to you, so that you may make the judgments dictated by your maturity, will, and creativity. I don't expect you to always make accurate judgements; I doubt you would even have listened to me if I had said this to you in person. But I forgive you, and I love you, unconditionally, as God has instructed me to do.

Because I want to.

Sincerely,

Your Ex-Wife's New Girlfriend

Fun: Dungeons and Dragons Character Quiz

2009-01-18T01:01:00.001-07:00

I Am A: Neutral Good Human Sorcerer (4th Level)

Ability Scores:

Strength-9

Dexterity-11

Constitution-12

Intelligence-12

Wisdom-11

Charisma-11

Alignment:
Neutral Good A neutral good character does the best that a good person can do. He is devoted to helping others. He works with kings and magistrates but does not feel beholden to them. Neutral good is the best alignment you can be because it means doing what is good without bias for or against order. However, neutral good can be a dangerous alignment because it advances mediocrity by limiting the actions of the truly capable.

Race:
Humans are the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Class:
Sorcerers are arcane spellcasters who manipulate magic energy with imagination and talent rather than studious discipline. They have no books, no mentors, no theories just raw power that they direct at will. Sorcerers know fewer spells than wizards do and acquire them more slowly, but they can cast individual spells more often and have no need to prepare their incantations ahead of time. Also unlike wizards, sorcerers cannot specialize in a school of magic. Since sorcerers gain their powers without undergoing the years of rigorous study that wizards go through, they have more time to learn fighting skills and are proficient with simple weapons. Charisma is very important for sorcerers; the higher their value in this ability, the higher the spell level they can cast.

Find out What Kind of Dungeons and Dragons Character Would You Be?, courtesy of Easydamus (e-mail)

How Star Trek Saved My Life

2009-01-09T15:53:00.000-07:00

At eighteen, before my visit to the hospital's psychiatric ward during the first week of Christmas Vacation, Mom forced me to join a Star Trek Club. I remember one party, a few months after joining--would be when I was nineteen; it was, in fact, my birthday party. I hid in a bedroom of the house where the party was. I was exhausted, had a headache, and desperately needed to get away from all the noise, all the happiness, all the fun. I realize now that I was, in a lot of ways, both physically and mentally incapable of enduring the stress of friendship. I literally went from being completely friendless to having about fifteen friends, all within a month. I didn't know what to do with myself, much less fifteen people who were all more than happy--I say even eager--to include me in their activities. And this stress, at first, didn't decrease, as one might expect, as I gained experience with it. The stress increased instead.

It was, however, one release, one bit of freedom, I was more than happy to have, despite the initial pain. When I joined the club, my home situation was nothing to be envied. There were five of us living in a three-bedroom single-wide trailer. I was, I admit, reclusive and uncommunicative, but then, I didn't feel that I had the right to be communicative. I was a very angsty 18, edging into severe depression, througout the first half of my senior year in high school. My pregnant cousin was living with us, and her mother was living on one of the sofas in the living room. Her mother rarely slept in their bedroom, and she was a drunk. They were living with us so that my cousin could have her baby for free at the Veterans' Administration Hospital on the base.

I will be honest in that I was feeling very insignificant, and I think part of that feeling was reasonable, but by no means was all of it reasonable; my mother was under much more stress than I was. She was stressed because of my cousin's situation. She was feeling stressed because of her sister living on the sofa. She was feeling stressed because of me--she didn't know what to do with me, and had no time to attend to my angsts. She was feeling stressed because her part-time job with the trailer park where we lived wasn't paying enough to support us and my aunt certainly wasn't helping financially when she could have been. She was stressing because her on-again off-again relationship with the handyman of the trailer park was, well, rocky, thanks to his drinking habit. As a result, when Mom didn't have him to go to, she came to me, to rant, to rave, and to try and browbeat me into a simulacrum of my sister, so she'd have one less worry to stress out over.

Those two years surrounding my ninteenth birthday were very tough for Mom, but I was lost in my own morass of depression. I literally could not make friends in school. Acquaintances, yes, gads of 'em. I tried joining after-school clubs; every attempt to fit in flopped. Getting a boyfriend was out of the question for me, especially when my cousin, though very pregnant, made it quite clear that she was willing to entertain the less savory of the boys in ways I was most unwilling to.

That Star Trek club very quickly became a means of escape for me. I recall even walking to another club member's home to get out of mine at one point. And that home wasn't close. But it gave me something nothing else in my life at that time had given me: a sense of accomplishment. That walk marked my first step toward recovery, the rest of which commenced with my stay in the hospital.

I stayed for four days, four nights, and was discharged in time to spend Christmas Eve with my family. It was even a reasonably happy season, for my cousin had had her baby while I was in the hospital, and little Melanie provided us with a much-needed distraction from all our stresses. Her presence outside of her mother also meant that my aunt and cousin would soon be on their way to New York State. This, combined with my holdover prescription of Trazodone, served to make the season one of the best I'd had in years.

Immediately after the holiday season, Mom took me to the free mental health clinic. This was done with utter promptitude, as we both wanted to make sure I got on the path to recovery. Steps were all well and good, but I needed that path, and we both knew it.

Getting that help was hard--harder than going to the hospital. I "tattled" quite a bit, too, by which I mean that I'd go to my counseling appointments and talk, then say the same stuff to my friends when I saw them next. Through it all, they were patient, caring, kind. I was very much a child in a lot of ways, and they managed to treat me with respect and consideration despite my immaturity. I don't know what I would have done without them; they never looked down on me for my troubles, and supported me with all the love and care I needed throughout my recovery. Thanks to their patience and attention, I healed. I shudder now to think what would have happened instead, had Mom not forced me into that Star Trek club.

Tarot Reading: Lostluna, 08 December 2008

2009-01-06T01:21:00.006-07:00

Blame the holiday season for the tardiness of this post. Here goes:

I spent a total of about fifteen or twenty minutes shuffling the cards; they had previously been mixed and I wanted to make sure that I got your question into them well. As I shuffled, three cards fell out, one at a time.

The first was the Knight of Swords. This card indicated to me that you are ready to move on with your healing.

The second was Major Arcana I: The Magician. This card suggests that you should create reality though your own will.

The third was Five of Pentacles. This card indicates a situation in which you must stand or fall on your own.

Overall, these three cards tell me that you have the strength of will and determination to move on with your situation; this is good.

Now, to the official reading. The layout I used, which can be found in in Power Tarot by Trish MacGregor and Phyllis Vega, is called the Reality Shift layout. It is a seven-card layout, and is read from the bottom up. I chose this layout because it fits the requirement of healing from mental illness, which, essentially, is a shift from one reality to another. In reading the cards, I chose what phrases about them seemed to jump out at me and applied them to the rubric of mental illness to derive the meaning.

Position 1: The directions you're giving your inner self now. Card: Major Arcana II: The High Priestess.
Position 2: How your external reality reflects this. Card: Queen of Wands.
Position 3: How to empower your inner self to change your reality. Card: Seven of Cups.
Position 4: How your outer self will respond to this directive. Card: Queen of Pentacles.
Position 5: How your life will shift as a result. Card: Page of Swords.
Position 6: What you will create. Card: Major Arcana XVIII: The Moon.
Position 7: Your new path. Card: Seven of Swords.

Overall, the cards told me that it's time for you to start listening to your emotions, which may be the best way for you to move past the mental health disorders which control you at this time. They indicate that you should approach this stage of your healing through reason, so much as you are able, and that you should use your imagination to visualize yourself as a functioning adult. This basically means that you should imagine yourself doing the things you want to do, which will help your subconscious mind understand that this is what you wish to do. And this does not mean imagining and then wondering if it'll ever happen; don't let despair control your emotions. When you think you won't succeed, label that thought as a thought, then continue imagining success. Work on identifying your emotions as you visualize. Eventually, your emotions will be discernable; you'll be able to identify which ones cause the anxiety and depression which control you now. This requires a lot of work, and the willingness to detatch yourself from your emotions, and it will take practice. This understanding of your emotions and your mental health will lead you to a deeper understanding of yourself. Don't let others discourage you; when they say you're taking a long time, tell them that if you rushed the healing process, you'd break at the next major stress--this is true (I know from practical experience myself).

If you want clarification on anything, feel free to ask. :)

As a practical aside, see if there is a group for Dialectic Behavioral Training in your area. DBT teaches you how to identify thoughts and emotions and how to change your behaviors from those which cause stress to those which can help you find calm. If there isn't a DBT group in your area, and, even if there is, purchase the book Come To Your Senses: Demystifying the Mind-Body Connection by Stanley H. Block, M.D. with Carolyn Bryant Block; go through this book with your therapist(s). It has lots of exercises to help with identifying emotions, and, though it gives the exercises by day, you can adjust the schedule to add them by week or month as you progress.

Tattoos and Christmas Trees

2008-12-01T21:02:00.005-07:00

Well, my story about getting a tattoo, and a pic of the latter, anyway.

Because the tattoo artist I planned on going to left his shop, I originally decided to not get a tattoo until I could find someone else as reputable. Smack me upside the head, if you like. I was being overly anal-retentive and not really thinking things through.

But that ended Saturday afternoon. I was visiting Mom and I decided to go to the tattoo shop around the corner. This basically meant I walked about a block and a half. Once there, I chatted a little with the guys at the front and they got the premier Celtic knot tattoo artist, Jack, to see me. You see, I wanted a Celtic knot Ankh. See yesterday's post for a semi-decent picture of it.

Well, he had to finish something up before he could consult with me, so I got to look at all the pics of tattoos various artists at the shop had done. I browsed the posters of various tattoos afterwards, all between brief visits from Jack with his ideas for my tattoo. I entered the shop at about 1430. We had my tattoo around 1730-1800.

He took me into the back of the shop and downstairs and started setting things up, then I got to stand for about five minutes while he applied and reapplied the ink dye design to my upper arm. After he had this perfect, I hit the restroom then returned. By this time, I was all nerves, though calmly so, due to the long wait full of anxiety, and about three quarters of a liter of Cherry Coke.

Then he did something that I was very grateful for. He accurately described how the tattooing process was going to feel. He said that it would be like a ball-point pen repeatedly poking me, and that he, personally, found the sensation more annoying than painful. My anxiety level dropped about halfway back down to normal.

Then he had me position myself with my arm on a stand, and he proceeded to apply the needle. It indeed felt like he had described, though I didn't find the sensation annoying. It was just a sensation. I watched him as best as I could; he did the outlines first, then switched needles. The second needle he said, would feel like the first, only "brushy." This description was also accurate.

By this time, my arm was in that numb kind of pain, from too much sensation. It felt like a bruise, in a way, though the needles didn't strike hard enough to cause bruising. I didn't see much blood, but he wiped pretty frequently, using a water-based medical gel that most tattoo artists don't use; they generally use petroleum jelly.

The whole operation took probably about forty-five minutes, and I was out of the store by 1850 with my vitamins A & D gel and care instructions, $100.00 ligher. I had a special blood-wicking plastic bandage on that had cotton inside on my arm, secured with regular invisible tape. I finished the soda on my way home.

What surprised me most about the whole affair was the fact that, despite my usual difficulty getting to sleep, coupled with the caffeine I'd had, I was still able to get to sleep. I figure the stress exhausted me.

The shop I went to:

Lost Art Tattoo
348 S. State Street
Salt Lake City, UT
(801) 537-7858

They have another location at:

Lost Art Tattoo
2618 Washington Blvd
Ogden, Utah
(801) 393-4901

------------------------------------

And, for those who are curious, here's a pic of my Christmas Tree. It looks much more drunk in real life. It's dressed in this rainbow garland and white lights. I figured colored lights would be a bit too much with the garland when I bought the setup last year.

First Tattoo

2008-11-30T15:30:00.004-07:00

I got a tattoo yesterday. Right now it's under plastic wrap, but I've got a pic of it. Take a look; it's a variant of an Ankh with Celtic knotwork in it. The image is pretty darn close to actual size, too. :)

The Characters at the Center of the Drama

2008-11-27T06:25:00.007-07:00

I've now been writing THOI in first person pov for so long that I'm having a difficult time divorcing myself from the idea. It just seems right. Despite the apparently repeated epiphany of writing the whole mess out in tight third person point of view. Each time I have this "write it out in third" epiphany, the story has gotten more difficult, in terms of character, to write it out in third. Even as it has become more imperative that I write it out in third because of character.

Allow me to explain.

First, the reason to write it out in first person point of view: I have nongendered and bigendered characters in THOI. That they are nongendered and bigendered happens to be a plot point; in other words, the story won't work if the characters are either male or female. These characters are mages: the bigendered are magic channeling/casting mages--they cast spells to make things happen. It is the particular combination of hormones in their bigender bodies that makes them able to do this. You're not going to find a single-gendered mage on the whole world of Ferodoxis--and if you say you have, what you've got is a priest (or shaman, or witch doctor, or whatever else passes as the society's holy one). The nongendered are elemental mages. This means they can call on the elements of earth, air, fire, water.

Hiyo, my bigendered mage, has to use her magic in order to perform her duties. Peikigi, the nongendered mage, has to use her ability to manipulate water in order to survive in the wilderness. They must be able to perform these tasks/skills, whatever they are, or there is no story. True, Hiyo could hire a mage, but that mage isn't going to have her determination to do her duty, and probably wouldn't accompany her far past the city limits, much less out of the designated area of temporary settlement being used by the people. Peikigi could stick to rivers and streams, but they won't always go the direction she needs to go in, and she has nothing whatsoever to carry water in. She's got a chain that holds a few important items, her weapons, and her survival skills. Nothing else, and she gets pushed off a train in the middle of the wilderness.

These indispensible conditions make third person point of view difficult. I don't want the reader to forget that they have their respective conditions, despite my use of the feminine pronouns here. They have both chosen the feminine designation, but that is not what they are, and I want the reader to be as aware of this as Hiyo and Peikigi and I are. As a result, the only way to prevent confusion (too much of it, anyway), is to use first person point of view.

The second half of the problem, the part which requires third person point of view, is number of characters. I have, as of this post, eight first person points of view--that's eight characters. I have plans to add two more; I may or may not use first person points of view for them--I haven't decided yet. My problem with this is that I don't know if I can write eight different characters in first person with enough skill to pull it off. I could do it, no problem, if I was using third, but the concept of the story is that these are the more dramatic and/or pertinent excerpts transcribed from various journals during a certain specific time period. I want to stay as close to that concept as possible without actually using journal-like entries, which is an even more difficult format to pull off, even if you're writing from only one person's point of view.

What am I going to do? You'll laugh at me. I'm going to do the most difficult of the two options and write in a variety of first person points of view. It'll be a challenge, but I happen to enjoy challenges in writing.

----------------------

Another epiphany I had, this one newer and fresher, was to use notecards. I've been fooling around with this on another project that is currently going nowhere, and I originally intended to only reverse outline what I already had written of THOI, but I enjoyed it so much that I just took the story off of the first few "chapters" from what I had written. As a result, I've gotten farther in writing this story than I have for more than a year, including the one complete manuscript I have (which I am not happy with). I'm having fun, and I still have the burning desire to write my story, so this notecard thing seems to be working. I've got over 100 of the 3x5" cards filled out, and I guess I'm at about the halfway point. I can't wait to start writing, because what I'm doing now has me wondering exactly how the scenes will form.

To illustrate how amazing this interest despite outlining is to me, I'll tell you about the last time I did any outlines. It was typed out on the computer, so I was seeing on the screen, and then printed out. I guess having it on standard pages was a bad trigger, because I never wrote that story out. I read the outline, decided I was satisfied with that, and forgot about the rest of the story I'd intended to include.

I guess the reason why the notecards are working is because I see only a small portion of my plan at a time. I have to flip through them to get reminders of things that happened earlier on in the story. As a result of using the cards, my brain has no immediate reference and thus "forgets" what I've written before. No continuity here; just what happened in the scene before and what needs to happen to bring everything together at the proper time and place. One of these days, I'll see about scanning a sample notecard for posting here so y'all can she what I do with 'em. Might give you some epiphanies of your own.

Inspiration

2008-11-22T06:06:00.003-07:00

I wanted to make this post on Thursday, but forgot. I tried yesterday to make it, but couldn't because IE was throwing fits and loading only after several refreshes. Turned out to be a good thing; I have something more to add than just wordcounts. whee

I've been in a state of transition for the past two weeks. Transition means I can be going from a craft-focus to a writing focus, or from writing to housekeeping, or . . . well, any number of things. I haven't been able to pinpoint what this current transition is until now.

Thursday, I thought of THOI. Now, for the past two and a half months, I've been focusing on GM/BOTS, my gay romance thingie set in a fantasy world. By fantasy I mean with magic, not my wish for a utopia where everyone is accepted for who and what they are--the latter is pretty far off in the future, while the former is immediately reachable. Anyway, my main movie of choice during this period has been The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Yeah, I know. Nothing really romancey about that, much less in the gay arena. It is, however, what struck my muses' fancy, though they and my horde of plotbunnies never really tweaked while I was actually watching the movie. It was more of a downtime thing, I guess, a mental trick of watching the complete opposite of what I'm writing for a break. No problem.

The past two weeks, I've watched: The Emperor's New Groove, Mulan, Fifth Element, Bram Stoker's Dracula, Memoirs of A Geisha, Young Frankenstein, The Lost Boys, and The Mummy. Some more than once, others only once.

In other words, my attention was all over the place. It took me about a week to figure out that I'm in transition. And then, this past Thursday, I had a random thought about THOI, which has been on hiatus since my last transition. I even, on Thursday, watched Star Wars IV and part of V, which I didn't connect with my reawakened interest in THOI, fleeting though it had been, and these movies, including the prequel trilogy at the height of my focus, were the ones I was positively obsessed with last time I was working on THOI. I watched them over and over, with commentary usually right after watching the movie without, and I'd pop the extra features disk in after an all-nighter involving the original trilogy--yes, I got a box set.

Tonight, I watched V and VI, both with commentary. Well, this morning, anyway, for I've pulled an all-nighter for this. And, once I stopped concentrating on crocheting, which I don't normally have to do, I found myself inspired. My Muses started clamoring for my attention, and my plotbunnies fixed a few problems in some of the original concepts I had planned for THOI. I now know where the evacuation trains go: to the ends of their lines, deep in unsettled territory. I didn't know this before. I know what they do when they get there: they stop. Everyone debarks, and they all go into hiding.

I know that one point-of-view Main Character, Zenao, will die. I know that I'll lose another point-of-view Main Character's, Hiyo's, point of view completely. I now know why, on my alt-earth that is connected to the planet this story takes place on, there are no female born-vampires: all the males kill them. Why? That's gelling right now. Why is it important to THOI? Because there are female born-vampires on that planet, and I had to explain why there aren't on my alt-earth. I know, too, how one character's attitude, in fact, how his whole personality, will change, and who will be the cause of that change, and how she does it, and why. I almost know why it's so important for that character's personality to undergo such an alteration--that, too, is gelling right now.

My transition is ending, I'm returning to the inspiration that I used before, and I'm thinking of THOI again. Perhaps today I'll read what I've already got written with an eye for doing a reverse outline. It'll be done by the end of this weekend, at any rate. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be ready to add more to THOI on Monday. And more on Tuesday, and more on Wednesday, and . . . you get the idea.

Poor GM/BOTS will have to wait, because, right now, I can't wait to see what happens next in THOI.

Thoughts

2008-11-16T11:00:00.003-07:00

I at first thought I wouldn't comment on the Proposition 8 business in California. There were plenty to do that. I didn't even go to the local protest here in SLC--just a few blocks from where I live and well within walking distance. I was content to leave it to others.

Then, I started to make a post listing quotes from the bible about love. I may still post it. As it is right now, it is incomplete, and I don't know if I'll ever finish it. What stopped me was again the fact that I know there are so many other voices.

But today, I find myself very thoughtful. I am considering rejoining the Catholic Church--on my terms. I will not take the Eucharist, I may not even attend Mass for a while longer. I will certainly not be a confessing member, and I will certainly not be ushering anyone else into a Church I am at such odds with despite my love for it. But my thinking about doing this much--just attending Mass, just going to pray in the Cathedral, which is my parish, has set my thoughts firmly on the dilemma of being Catholic and bisexual.

My conclusion is this:

For any Church, church, or religion to put into God's mouth the words, "I love you but not as I created you at conception to be. I love you, but do not wish you to follow your heart and find happiness. I love you, but I do not want you to be honest with your fellows in faith, with me, or even yourself," is a kind of hate.

God does not hate. He creates us, at conception, as the people whom he wants us to be. He knows exactly what will make us happy, and, most of all, what will make us sad. Love, I have heard, is wanting the person you love to be happy, above all things, and this is what God is, fundamentally: Love.

By asking us, we bisexuals, homosexuals, transexuals--and all others who do not fit the Catholic, Latter-Day Saint, Muslim, and more Orthodox Jewish image of men and women--to deny ourselves relationships that would make us happy, as God wants us to be, the vast majority of Religion is asking us to lie. Not only to ourselves, but to God and our fellow human beings. Not only are they asking us to lie, they are telling us to hate ourselves. Surely, God does not want this.

Such Religious people forget that truth and honesty are also morals, and that love is the greatest moral of all.

God loves us as he made us, and he would not willingly put restrictions of any kind upon us, but for those he laid out in the Commandments. It is Religion that does so, and I commend the breakaway churches, the welcoming Synagogues, the Neopagans, and all those others who accept each person as they come--as God made them, whether those others share the same view of deity I have or not.

Thank you.

Thursday Writing Post whee

2008-10-23T23:05:00.002-06:00

I've managed to write a bit this past week; not a lot, and not on my primary WIP, but at least some writing.

This WIP I've been writing on is BOTS--my gay romance thingie set on a fantasy world. It's the first one on this world, and I expect it to spin off a couple of stories of related characters. Overall, it's been a fun story to write, but interest in it fluctuates. So it goes with most of my writing, but with BOTS, I'm over 55k, and it's looking to be longer than I was hoping for first draft. All I have to do now is figure out exactly what Brede, one of the main characters, is doing next, since the next chapter is from his pov. Gildas, the other MC, will be easier to figure out as I write. whee

As for THOI, my primary WIP, I have no idea where it's at right now, and don't really care. I think I'm having a break from it, so I don't expect to recall much about it. I need the break. THOI is over 30k already, and I generally break a little before hitting 30k.

Writing update--it's a short one

2008-10-09T20:44:00.001-06:00

Sprained my ankle on Sunday. Spent Monday at the VA. Got Sick on Tuesday. Wrote 2840 words on Wednesday. Now returning to psych med withdrawal conditions.

Movie Review and "Was Today Really JUST Monday?"

2008-10-06T22:35:00.005-06:00

Well, here's catch-up II for the week.

SUNDAY

Boogie Nights
Directed by: P.T. Anderson

For those of you who don't know, the all-star cast in this movie are working from a script about a teenage boy with a Semi trailer in his pants. This up-and-coming porn star is Eddie Adams, played by Mark Wahlberg, with fantastic support from Julianne Moore, Burt Reynolds, and William H. Macy.

In this down-to-earth story about a porn "family" in the late 1970's, we see Eddie Adams, who takes the name Dirk Diggler, rise, fall, and rise again. He leaves home as a high school dropout working two jobs and joins the bizarre family headed by Jack Horner (Burt Reynolds), "the finest director in the business." Julianne Moore does an excellent job of acting like she doesn't know how to act in the filming of "Dirk's" first movie, and Eddie's star is launched. Soon, Eddie is even writing his own scripts for a series of Bond-esque porn films.

Eddie's star is rising.

With the acquisition of a couple of Porn Awards and a grand house and fabulous sports car, we can see that Eddie really was made to be in the porn business. His first movies earned him money, and his new scripts are netting him more. Life, for Eddie, is a party--and the party gets hard when Amber (Julianne Moore) introduces him to cocaine New Year's Eve at the turn of the decade.

Slowly, oh-so-slowly, we see Eddie's life slide out of control. First, he can't get an erection, then he loses his job, his home, and almost his life when, in the company of two friends, he embarks on a disasterous quest for money by trying to sell baking soda to a drug dealer.

From this night of terror, he climbs back to sobriety and returns to "the business."

Notable in this film are the side-stories that happen concurrent with Eddie's rise, fall, and return to his home in the porn business.

William H. Macy shines as the sexually troubled assistant director, Little Bill, here. His marriage is constantly shaken by a wife who is consistently unfaithful to him, even going so far as to have sex in the driveway of Jack's home during a party. Though P.T. Anderson leaves us with the mystery of the reasons why she lacks marital fidelity and why Little Bill remains with her despite her infidelity, he gives us a startling conclusion to the relationship, which occurs the same night Eddie is introduced to cocaine.

Don Cheadle plays Buck Swope, whose dream is to own his own hi-fi stereo store. With the company of his love, Jessie St. James (Melora Walters), he seeks the funding to do this through all legal means available, but is consistently refused because he works in adult film. This prejudice finally drives him make a risky split-second decision in a donut shop when the opportunity arises, so that he can finally see his dream come true.

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Was Today Really Just Monday?

I've had a long day. A. VERY. Long. Day.

I first had to reschedule my appointment with my psych doc, which was simple enough, because I didn't get enough sleep last night. Bipolar Disorder is Fun. You take your meds, go to bed, and lay awake. All night. Well, almost--last night I finally fell asleep sometime after 0200. I was not ready to face a 0900 appointment up at the VA, which meant I had to get up at 0700 so I'd have time to eat and shower before catching the train.

Things rather devolved from there.

I, of course, missed DBT group, which I wasn't trying to get to, anyway. Unfortunately, after my 1100 appointment with my psych doc, I learned that the leader of the group wasn't available; he's out until next week or so. Wonderful. I did, however, come away with a new sleep medication that will hopefully help me get to sleep when I should be sleeping so that I will be able to get to my DBT meetings (which would preclude the necessity of not going to them any more, which is what I wanted to talk to the leading doctor about).

About that sleep medication . . . LOL I left the VA and was almost to the train stop (some two or so blocks away), when I realized that I hadn't gotten the medication from the pharmacy. So, back to the VA I went, to see the pharmacist and to fetch my medication after. Whee.

On the way back up the hill, the back of my ankle hurt--which wasn't a surprise, as it's been hurting since yesterday--but when I got off the train near home, I felt this grinding sensation. I decided to ignore it, because I wanted a nap, and came home, prepared for a nap--and felt that grinding again.

Call me a hypochondriac, but I've been without adequate medical care for far too long to be able to ignore something like this grinding without seeing a doctor. First, I tried calling the hospital to make an appointment with my primary care doctor. No go; she didn't have any openings until the 22nd or so, and I already had appointment with her a few days after that. I was not going to wait that long to see this taken care of. I called the physical therapy department, then remembered I need a referral for them to be able to help, because, you know, they do like to know what they might be dealing with.

I got out of bed, called Mom, told her I was going back to the hospital to see about my ankle. Mom, health care phobic that she apparently is, told me it's just a sprain. Okay, so she was maybe right, but I wasn't going to take any chaces, especially since I've just started working out again. Besides, there was that uncomfortable and frightening grinding snsation in my ankle.

I returned to the hospital--this time well-prepared with two books, a gallon of water, and one of my crochet projects. Unfortunately, I didn't eat before going, and I forgot scissors. I never needed the scissors, but the food places in the VA Hospital closed by 1600 (US Gov't, you know), so I was stuck getting money lost i n a vending machine that had one bag of thin-sliced potato chips and a cornucopia of candy bars left in it. After losing one dollar coin in the vending machine, I begged to exchange another coin for a buck, succeeded, and purchased myself the first Baby Ruth candy bar I've had in years. It tasted absolutely wonderful.

This, by the way, was one hour into my waiting, and I'd arrived at 1530.

Fast-forward. It's now 2030. I'm starved, and I still haven't been seen in the emergency room yet. I've got my little plastic wristband with my name and pertinent information jet-printed on it 'round my wrist, and I'm starting to get bored with my reading and crocheting. I've been to the restroom I don't know how many times, and more than half the people who were in the waiting room have been taken to the back--even those who came in after me (they had worse problems, so i'm not complaining--much). There are four people left in the waiting room when I finally get called back.

I'm shown to exam room 3. There I sit, for a few minutes, playing with the apparently inflatable nontoxic-content pillow. That was fun. Then, the doctor, who looks younger than I, entere, and she takes off my sandals. I expected her to faint from the smell. She didn't, but she did wear gloves. She tested all my limbs, twirled my left foot around on its ankle (no problem), then twirled my right foot around on its ankle (big problem). I'm not screaming, mind you, but it is painful, and that damn grinding started up again.

She sends me up to get an X-ray.

Whee. Step, step, grind. Step, step, grind. I reach the radiology lab. The duty techs take me in for the X-rays. I'm told to take off my right shoe--this is one shoe, mind you--this is important later. I do so. The techs get the plates ready, I adjust my position on the bed according to their instructions. The first few pics go well. I'm just laying my ankle on the plates in various positions, sometimes rolling on my side to facilitate things.

Then the female tech tells me to put the sole of my foot on the plate.

GRIND.

Okay, now, I'm fine. X-ray taken. Slight foot adjustment. No problem. Female tech comes back out of the protective cubicle and starts touching and trying to manipulate my foot. I have no idea what's going on, so I just leave my foot where it is.

"Tilt your leg to the left," she says.

I dutifully tilt my right leg to the left. Pain and grind. She's still manipulating my foot--or trying to.

"Keep your foot and your ankle together."

What? I think. "How can I not do that?" I ask, laughing, a little hysterically.

She looks at me, realizes what she said, and laughs, too. "I mean, tilt your foot."

Oh, I think, and tilt my foot so my ankle is straight between foot and leg. She approves the adjustment, tells me to hold it (I'm still laughing--a little hysterically, remember?), and goes to take the pic.

Pics are done now, and I tease her (mercilessly) about what she said while she goes to another room where I can see her looking on a computer at the X-rays just taken. They're good, and she comes into the room again.

"Get dressed," she says.

Huh? "I took off only a shoe," or something of the like comes from me--wasted opportunity to tease her again, but I save myself with a quick, "I am dressed."

"Dress your foot," she responds, laughing.

Now, this in no way stops my laughter. Everything's done, so I put my sandal back on and leave the radiology lab. I head back down to the emergency room (stopping on the way to vend myself a soda). Step, step, grind. Step, step, grind. And on.

I put myself in a chair in the emergency room, having won free entry by having been in there once before. While I'm waiting for further instructions, the radiology techs appear, and I commence teasing the female with her own words. They go to do a spot-X-ray on someone who can't leave the emergency room, and I'm told to go back to exam room 3.

I recommence playing with the pillow. Now I get the idea to roll it up. Fun. From my place on the exam bed, I can see out across the hallway, a corner of the nurses' desk, and into a room where there is a computer screen. I can't see who is looking at the computer screen, but they're going through X-rays, and I correctly guess it's the doctor who's tending me--she leaves the room a few moments later and comes to talk to me.

Now, I waited in the waiting room for four hours to find out I have a sprained ankle/strained tendon. There might be a bone spur, which would explain the grinding sensation. She's going to enter in the hospital computer for me to get a physical therapy consult for exercises, tells me to ice what I've got, and gives me an Ace bandage to wrap around my foot and ankle for more support. Actually, she wraps it on herself, for demonstration.

Now, I get to leave the hospital, well within time to catch the train home. Step, step, grind. Step, step, grind.

I Know, I Know

2008-10-05T18:16:00.003-06:00

First I post a schedule for my posts, then I go off to la-la land. I blame my mental illness; makes me only partially operational much of the time, and I lose interest in things with amazing velocity. So, here are the catch-up posts.

THURSDAY

Well, I've been managing to keep up with my writing, if nothing else. My standing goal is 500 words a day, so that's not been a problem, even though I'm writing every other day, if that. I generally get 1-2k at a time when I write, so I'm even a little ahead.

As for the story, it's going well. I've got an extra, unplanned character running around, and I'm not certain what she'll be doing, but she's there. Things like this happen even when you've outlined everything, so, if you're a writer, don't leave me a comment that tries to tell me otherwise. I know far more authors than you've had years of experience, if you haven't had a character randomly appear. And, in this contest, no, the authors in question don't have to be published. So there. :p

Joking aside, it's rather frustrating when you have a random character who was never planned on, much less thought out. I have some idea what Tariko's (my current random character) going to do in the background, but not right now. Presently, she's just there. I think she'll be rather important later, I just don't know when or how. Perhaps she'll even get her own story.

FRIDAY

THE LAST UNICORN
By: Peter S. Beagle

As difficult as this book was for Peter S. Beagle to write, it has become a timeless classic. In the story, a Unicorn learns that she is the last of her kind in the world. This causes her some distress, and, upon meeting a Butterfly, she learns more: that her kind were chased down the roads long ago by a Red Bull.

The Unicorn leaves her eternally-springtime forest to seek out her kind, and, on the way, is captured by Mommy Fortuna, who owns a travelling circus. While in captivity, the Unicorn meets a bumbling magician named Schmendrick, who attempts to help her free herself through magical means. He eventually succeeds . . . when he uses the keys. In return for freeing her, the Unicorn grants him one boon; since he cannot have what he truly wants from her, he asks instead that he be allowed to accompany her, this she does, with some reluctance.

Further on the journey, Schmendrick is kidnapped and is taken to a bandits' forest hideout. Here, he creates his first real magic, in the form of an illusion, which leads the bandits away. He rejoins the unicorn, and they later encounter Molly Grue, erstwhile cook and "sweetheart" of the bandits' leader. She recognizes the Unicorn for what she is, and the Unicorn, again reluctantly, allows Molly to accompany herself and Schmendrick, against the magician's wishes.

During her travels, the Unicorn learns that the Red Bull is a powerful creature held by King Haggard, who lives in a castle perched on an outcropping where the ocean meets the land. Actually, there is doubt whether the Red Bull is held by Haggard or if it is Haggard who is held by the Bull. In either event, Haggard commanded the Bull to herd all of the Unicorns into a secret hiding place only he knows.

Haggard, an old and unhappy man, is made happy by only one thing: Unicorns. Even held captive as they are, seeing them gives him the only happiness he knows. So, when the Unicorn, in the form of a beautiful human woman, with her companions Schmendrick and Molly, arrive at his castle, he grants them leave to remain, for he recognizes what the Lady Amalthea truly is.

During their time at the castle, Schmendrick and Molly learn everything they can about where the Red Bull sleeps and where the Unicorns are hidden. In the meantime, the Lady Amalthea and King Haggard's son, Lír, fall in love. When her friends finally learn everything necessary to finding the Bull and the Unicorns, the Lady Amalthea has forgotten what she truly is and is in love with Lír, with whom she wishes to remain, even though she is reminded of her quest by her friends.

Ultimately, she is given no choice.

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Tomorrow, I will post the movie report thingie with my "life update" thingie.

Already Lost

2008-09-29T19:43:00.002-06:00

I've already lost the handwritten copy of my schedule. Starting off great, aren't I?

Life's okay. Didn't go to Dialectic Behavioral Training today, but that was the only thing I missed. I acutally thought about quitting it outright. I'm missing too much, and my mind and sleep habits won't let me keep it. I don't know. I have to talk with my psych or someone about it. I just feel like there's too much going on in my life right now, and that's one of the few things I can control.

I'm going off my antidepressant, Paroxetine. It's not really doing its job any more, and my psych and I have decided to discontinue its presence in my bloodstream. whee That was a fun sentence. Anyway, I've been in a low "background" mood for a while (I don't expect anybody but other mixed-state Bipolar people to understand what I mean), and maybe I can get onto something that'll actually work after I've been off the Paroxetine for a while. What this basically means is that at the same time my daily mood is fairly good, I'm not getting things that need to be done finished--for instance, housekeeping.

I had to send my Zune mp3 player in for repairs and (yay!) I got a new one for a replacement. Apparently, the software problem with my other one couldn't be fixed. Unfortunately, I can't seem to sync all my music onto this one. I'm having the problem with only some of the downloaded music, and I'm afraid the answer, when I can get to the site (it's down for updating or whatever right now), is going to be that I need to redownload all the stuff that won't sync onto my player. This will royally suck, as dialup and the Zune site haven't been mixing too well for me. I can't even sign in through the software on my computer when I'm online unless I don't have any other internet sites up--and that succeeds only part of the time even then. And, wouldn't you know it, one of the songs I want to listen to on my heaphones is one of those that won't sync to my player? Hrm, maybe there's a customer service number somewhere in the paperwork. If there is, I won't have to wait for the site to come back up to walk through some of the things I'll have to do. whee

This past month, I acquired the movies The Last Unicorn and Nausicaä. The Last Unicorn is based on Peter S. Beagle's book, and was written by him as well, so it follows the book fairly closely. Only a few things were left out, mostly for time, I guess. Nausicaä is about a prophesied peacemaker, if I'm remembering correctly. Haven't seen it in years and it's still wrapped in its cellophane, so I don't know. I'll give y'all a review of it, and The Last Unicorn, in movie reviews.

I'll be rejoining Planet Fitness next month so I can start exercising to lose weight, and soon I'll be seeing the dietician up at the VA to see what kind of things I can make for myself on a $40.00/week food budget. I'm actually looking forward to doing it all.

Yeah, I'm complaining in one paragraph about too much going on, then celebrating the initiation of more busyness in another. That's what being a mixed-state Bipolar person means.

Can you see the dialectic there? LOL

Posting Schedule

2008-09-27T20:32:00.003-06:00

I'm giving myself a posting roster, so here goes:

Monday: something about my life, probably posting after I return home from the VA
Tuesday: Tarot reading, if I've received one
Wednesday: Update Tarot reading, if there is one to update
Thursday: Open day, maybe snippets or posts on my writing
Friday: A Book Review
Saturday: Movie Review (not necessarily of one currently in theatres)
Sunday: Open day, maybe post of pic or drawing of the week, if one is available

I'm Back . . . again.

2008-07-15T23:05:00.002-06:00

Well, yes, I'm returning. I haven't been posting anything on either of my online journals. Tonight, I'm posting on both. For those of you who've friended me on LJ, you can visit my LJ and see the first chapter of my current main WIP, which is presently untitled. The initials PTH mean "Put Title Here." Not very original, I know, but what else can a writer do when she doesn't know the title of the book yet?

I've even updated my Quote of the Month. Sometimes, I feel like someone's been messing with my "Archive" memory. LOL

My mom's currently helping me try to fight for the Compensation pay from the VA, especially since my Pension from them was taken. If I can get Compensation, I'll be able to be paid for my writing and not have to worry about losing my assistance from the VA because the Compensation is permanent while the Pension isn't. Yeah, I'd lose my Disability, but that's no big deal.

I'm trying to fix my credit from the bottom of a financial pit that keeps getting deeper. Hopefully, it'll stop pretty soon. The VA wants me to pay back an overpayment they gave me that isn't my fault; the guy I called at the proper time didn't forward the information. I know I called the proper person; he's the one that dropped the ball. Oh, well, with luck, that 6k+ bill will be removed and I might actually be able to see the sunlight.

Mom wants to move back to NC next year in the spring. I'm thinking that we probably won't be done with this fight for a year at least, and probably longer. If we can move, I'll probably go with her, though I'd like to stay up here. I may not have many friends, but I do like the area, and I like the fact that I've got a VA regional center in the same city that has excellent transportation options. Fayetteville is miles away from the other Regional Center in Winston-Salem, NC, and I'd have to have a car. I can't afford that without the extra money from the VA's Compensation. So, if we lose this battle, I'll be hanging out here. whee

Illness and Other Things

2008-04-05T15:55:00.002-06:00

A cold hit me on Tuesday. Haven't checked readmytarot@mail.com since then, so nothing to put up. Here are my other posts:

FRIDAY

Haven't written, the reason is above. Also just letting ideas stew around for a while. I've been watching the Star Wars movies too much, but reading the species book I bought on the Star Wars universe has made me start rethinking my Ferodoxan races again.

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SATURDAY

A common cold hit me on Wednesday full-force. This was also the day that I had to help Mom move in to her appartment in my building. whee I think the workout caused the cold to ease up a bit earlier than it otherwise would have. I'm already in the coughing stage, though my nose insists on being runny.

I had an interview at the bookstore for a job on Thursday. Don't know if I got the job yet, but I'm hoping so. Cross your fingers for me, wish me luck, pray that I get it. Whatever. I just need this job. (By the way, I'm doing all three, and boy is it hard to type. :p)

Saturday, Sunday, and Monday

2008-03-31T04:01:00.002-06:00

Something is up here with Blogger, and I just haven't felt like dealing with the glitches for the past couple days. Lack of sleep hasn't been helping my patience, so here are Saturday's, Sunday's, and Monday's posts, in order from the top.

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SATURDAY

Not much going on with my life. It's rather boring, although I have been thinking about maybe getting a dishwashing job somewhere. There are lots of restaurants around, and I think I can handle dishwashing for a while. At least until I get into school. whee

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SUNDAY

That's Bull!

I wonder: How, exactly does one arrest a bull?

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Kegger Party?

Some clever students proved themselves sober.

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Steven Seagull Has Fans

I wonder what they'll name Steven's successor?

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MONDAY

Fuzzy Sapiens

This is the second book in H. Beam Piper's The Complete Fuzzy trilogy and it starts off with a bang when the "owner" of the Company, which is now just another business on Zarathustra, finds one fuzzy in his home. Though he has no idea how this Fuzzy came to be in his place, he decides to adopt it. Unfortunately for Victor Grego, the new "Papa" of Diamond, this Fuzzy has been introduced through the one weakness in the Company's building. This is a weakness that can--and will--be exploited by some Company members.

There are other problems with the Fuzzies, too. The infant mortality rate is high. In the group at the "Camp" where the Fuzzies are congretating, there are only four Fuzzy children in over one hundred Fuzzies--and the growth rate is projected at ten years minimum. Not only that, the Camp is running out of the primary Fuzzy foods: land prawns and Extee-Three. The former are overhunted in the area, and the latter is running low due to overbuying by speculators and deliveries of more won't come in for at least four months.

Also in the working is a Fuzzy adoption agency. Jack Halloway, the discoverer of the Fuzzies is now Fuzzy Commissioner. It's his duty to protect all the Fuzzies and their designated preserve. Ben Rainsford, Fuzzy Papa and interim governor of Zarathustra, must work out laws of protection for the Fuzzies, and a Judge's wife is appointed head of the adoption agency.

And while life for Fuzzies--and humans--in general is looking better by the day, there are several missing Fuzzies who have been kidnapped from their preserve. And Victor Grego's Fuzzy, Diamond, is just one of them.

Writing Update

2008-03-28T19:51:00.002-06:00

I haven't been writing much the last week. Not sure why, but it's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to do so, so I went up to the bookstore wrote a couple paragraphs. Wasn't feeling into it. Hopefully now I'll be more into it.

Touching Octavia is the one I'm working on primarily now. I was hoping to make it to Think Tank on FM's chat tonight, but I didn't and my omputer won't go in. I'll try again.

The Complete Fuzzy, Part 1

2008-03-25T23:17:00.002-06:00

The first of the novels in The Complete Fuzzy by H. Beam Piper is titled, simply, Little Fuzzy.

In this novel, we meet Jack Halloway. Jack is a long-time prospector, now prospecting and selling Sunstones. When he returns home from prospecting one day, he finds an odd little creature in his bathroom. This creature he names Little Fuzzy, for obvious reasons. Little Fuzzy proves to be quite intelligent and eventually brings his family to live with Jack as well.

Unfortunately, in seeking help with getting Little Fuzzy and his family to be recognized, Jack Halloway opens up a can of worms. He is prospecting on a Class-III uninhabited planet. What this basically means is that the first company to move in effectively owns the planet, and the owning company of Little Fuzzy's planet is the Zarathustra Company. The reason why this matters is because as long as Zarathustra remains a planet uninhabited by intelligent life, the Company has carte blanche to do as they wish.

In attempting to denounce Fuzzy intelligence, one of the Company's scientists stomps one of the Fuzzies to death. Jack Halloway retaliates by taking the Company to court. The intelligence of the Fuzzies that the Company tried to hide is now bound to come out, which of course means the status of the planet will change.

I encourage you to find and read this book if at all possible; it leads into a wonderful universe and the lives of some truly amazing creatures.

Happy Birthday, Dumb Criminal, and Impostor

2008-03-23T16:22:00.011-06:00

Three Strange News picks from my email site.

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Happy Birthday

This one really pleased me. I haven't stopped smiling despite reading the last link in this post. I'm glad this girl got her wish. So few children do these days.

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Dumb Criminal

What are you to do when criminals break into your house and steal your marijuana? Why, call the police, of course!

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Impostor

This is truly reprehensible. I feel bad enough asking for help from the VA, and I actually signed up and endured boot camp and most of my A school to "earn" my privileges. I hope this guy has to pay every cent for that surgery he had, that his wife divoces him, that he gets sued by the family of the man whose identity he stole, and that he spends at least half the rest of his life in prison.

Things In the Mail and Inspiration

2008-03-22T20:47:00.003-06:00

Bipolar Disorder is difficult to endure. Having Mixed-State Bipolar Disorder is just as difficult, but, in some ways more troubling. In Mixed-State Bipolar Disorder, you go through Bipolar cycles of mania and depression, seemingly at the same time. My current cycle is Mixed, and I'm presenting the symptom of overspending that goes with mania.

I like getting mail, even bad news, like bills and stuff. I don't know why, but checking my mail six days a week is something I really enjoy. I don't know what to do with myself on Sunday because I don't have to check the mail. Since there's no reason to do so, I don't, and I often think about checking it anyway, just for something to do.

Here's where Things In the Mail come in.

I do a lot of my overspending online. Usually early in the month, when I still have what seems like more than enough money in my account. I don't, really, and I know this, but I want to buy the thing I've just found that I really want. Part of the reason I buy online is because I get a little thrill of excitement that says, "I'm getting a package soon!"

It doesn't matter if this package is mailed through the postal service or a delivery service. All that matters is "I'm getting mail!"

This is something I'll be focusing on in future counselling sessions. I must do this, so I don't purchase myself out of my home, or starve myself.

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I've been going up to the bookstore at the mall for writing the past week. It's been rather successful, but tonight, I got going a bit late and arrived when it was too chilly to sit outside. So, I bought myself a snack (overspending again), and sat and read for a little bit, then wandered around the store a bit, feeling bad about not having written.

While I was wandering around the store, I remembered Shel Silverstein. Specifically, I remembered that I wanted some of his books. I found them, in the children's section, and have made plans to buy them in future. But that wasn't the reason I'd gone, either.

After that, I had nothing left to really do. I wandered around for a while, checking out the journals they're offering, reading titles. At one point, I was walking down the aisle to the children's section, where tables of books and games are arranged on tables that stand in the center of the aisle. I read a couple of titles then hesitated, realzing something.

I felt inspired.

For the first time in a long time, I felt excited about the idea--not the goal it indicates, but the idea--of getting my book in the bookstore. Seeing my name on a shelf. Wiser as I am now, I imagined a paperback on one of the shelves where copies of employee slections are found. I imagined a standard paperback. I know what to expect from a publisher of a new author, and it's not a trade paperback or a hardcover.

I wandered a little more as the inspiration faded. It by no means has faded completely, but I have put it where it belongs, so it will inspire my words, perhaps a little later tonight.

To be honest, I haven't been writing very much recently. I just haven't felt inspired. Going up to the store and writing on my laptop was helping, but I hadn't felt the desire, or that I had any goal. I needed inspiration, to remember my idea with all the excitement I used to have. I felt that excitement, and I realize now that inspiration was what I was really going to the bookstore for tonight.

Mutations and Expansions

2008-03-20T21:28:00.002-06:00

PC, my Story of Epic Proportions, has mutated again. Apparently, it's meant to be written out as stories of the individual characters instead of a multi-book epic including all at once. I'm rather stalled on it right now, but I think writing it as a series of standalones focused on one MC per book will work better. I'm going to reexamine the Adelaide's story I have thus far and see where I want it to go.

The reason why I'm stalled on PC's first book is because I got some interesting idea twists for a werewolf/vampire book. I'm attaching the story onto my vignette "Touching Octavia." Why? Because the vignette was looking for an interesting combination. My twisted werewolf/vampire idea happens to fit, thanks to some timely brainstorming for someone else's story in FM chat.

I don't know when I'll be picking Blood On the Snow back up, but I'm looking forward to doing so. I miss Gildas, Adio, and Brede. I'll see about organizing my writing schedule a bit better to get writing about them back in.

Thanks to a Kenny Loggins song about the last unicorn, I finally have a story for my unicorn and the teacher it joins. With some interesting twists, no less. And the world, thanks to another brainstorming session for someone else's story in FM, is pretty much built, with regards to magic. I'm anxious to get to that story, but am holding off because I don't have enough to put in it yet.

I've got another story idea--from another brainstorming session for someone else's story (again)--about being a single child in a world of twins. It may just be a short story--which would amaze me, as I rarely get ideas for short stories. Maybe a novelette or novella. Haven't really explored the basic plot because I've been busy with other things.

Instructions and Disclaimers for Free Tarot Readings

2008-03-18T18:51:00.004-06:00

Tuesday, 18 March 2008

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Include your question.
If you don't have one, make that clear in your email.

2. Include your real first name.
You may add an alias that you want the reading to be posted under, if you wish; preferrably your most-used online name, if possible.

3. Include a real picture of yourself.
It must be a picture of your face only, facing the camera directly, with adequate lighting. It should be a fairly recent picture. You must ask for the picture to be posted with the reading.

4. Include a few notes describing your immediate past, your present circumstances, and your future goals (a.k.a. the circumstances surrounding the question).
This must be included if you don't have a question. Please make this information as generic as possible (no names, addresses, phone numbers, or dates).

5. You must send me updates.
I must have these in order to record the accuracy of the readings for my records. You may not take the reading seriously, but I do.

6. Save your reading.
I will send a copy of the complete reading to your email for your records.

7. IMPORTANT: You must give each reading the time it needs to follow through.
For example, if I give you a time to expect it to occur, say the fourth week of Autumn, you must wait until after that week to send me the update. Of course, if things occur earlier, you may then send me the update sooner.
Always, always include the original posting date of your reading with your update.

8. You must REQUEST reversals be read.
If you don't know what I mean by reversals, don't worry about it.

9. DO NOT SPAM.
I keep a record of those email addresses that spam me with questions and will not respond to any emails from those addresses. If I receive three or more unsolicited emails from you after receiving your question, I will block your address from my mailbox.

10. You MAY email me another question three months from the posting date of your previous reading.
But don't expect to have every query sent to me read for. Please include the posting date of your previous query so I may reference it.

11. You MAY include your phone number.
This is so I may call you and thus do a live reading. For this to be successful, you must include the times appropriate for me to call you and you must still include the information asked for in the email.

12. THIS IS FREE.
But, if you feel you must pay for this service, I will provide, upon request, my snailmail to which you may send a money order.

WHAT TO EXPECT:

1. I will notify you if I select your query.
The email/phone call may include extra questions.

2. I will do as detailed a reading as you request.
Most of the times this reading will be the initial layout of cards, for which you'll receive an initial reading that you can then ask for clarifications on.

3. I will erase all the information you sent me from my email.
Things I will keep for my own records include:
Question
Reading and clarifications.
Your notes about the circumstances surrounding the question.
Your real first name and your alias (if provided).
The original date of the reading, including time.
The original posting date of the reading.
Updates.

4. I will be posting the following online with the reading:
Your first name or alias.
The question.
Your notes about the circumstances surrounding the question.
The reading and any clarifications.
A diagram or photograph of the layout with explanations about the card positions and why I used that layout.

5. Your reading to appear the Tuesday or Friday following the completion of your reading.
You will be notified by email as to the date.

6. Your updates to appear on Wednesday.
You will be notified by email as to the date.

WHY I AM DOING THIS:
I am doing this to better learn and practice my skill and to offer some fun and maybe some advice to people.

DISCLAIMERS:

BY EMAILING ME YOUR QUESTION YOU ARE ALLOWING ME TO USE THE INFORMATION PROVIDED TO MAKE A PREDICTION AS TO POSSIBLE FUTURE EVENTS IN YOUR LIFE.

BY EMAILING ME YOUR INFORMATION, YOU ARE AGREEING TO ALLOW ME TO USE IT FOR THE ABOVE-STATED REASONS.

ALL FUTURE EVENTS ARE SUBJECT TO YOUR FREE WILL. This basically means that if you don't like the possible future outcome predicted by the cards, you can do what you think is necessary to change the outcome.

NOT ALL READINGS WILL RELATE TO THE QUESTION YOU ASKED. This is why I ask for notes about the circumstances surrounding the question; sometimes the cards answer the question they think is most important, and it helps to have notes. It's just the way the energy flows.

BY ACCEPTING THE READING, YOU ARE OBLIGATING YOURSELF TO SEND UPDATES AS PREDICTIONS COME TRUE OR NOT. This includes instances of FREE WILL, regardless of how seriously you take the predictions to begin with.

YOU ARE NOT NOW OBLIGATED TO PAY ME FOR THESE READINGS. But, if you wish, you may, as stated above.

THESE INSTRUCTIONS, EXPECTATIONS, AND DISCLAIMERS ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE AT ANY TIME. I will post notifications about updates when I make them, but I encourage to review these on your own.

The Book Whose Price I Don't Discuss With My Mom

2008-03-17T16:24:00.002-06:00

This book is The Complete Fuzzy, the anthology of H. Beam Piper's Fuzzy trilogy.

I do not tell my mom the price of this book because it cost me approximately $35.00 for the well-read, somewhat tatty, trade paperback edition puglished in 1998. I purchased it from Amazon, because that's the only place where I could find copies, and I chose the price that accompanied the description of the best of the books. There were, if I recall correctly, three or four options and my selection was just above the cheapest in price.

As to why I paid this much for a book that originally cost less than half its Amazon price: I did so because I loved the first two Fuzzy novels, which I own in an anthology which is packed up in a box at a friend's in North Carolina. It had been several years since I'd read it, as I'd move here in 2003, and I wanted, upon learning that there was a third novel to the series, all three books. I couldn't find all three individually, so I purchased the anthology.

It's difficult to explain to my mom the feelings behind my desire for the book. Yes, I knew the first two novels in the series were good, and I was certain I'd enjoy the third as much as I had enjoyed the first two. I was right--but that's not the point. The point is, I value this set of stories.

To my mom, books are a hassle. You have to pay for their weight when moving them, they take up space, and how often does one reread them? They are heavy. They hold no apparent value. She doesn't even understand the simplest reason for owning favorite books like The Complete Fuzzy.

The reason is simple.

It's out of print. It's not likely libraries carry it any more. This book, for me, was an opportunity. I don't read much classic science fiction; little of it is appealing to me, being based in hard science. It was a lesson for me when I happened upon The Fuzzy Papers, the anthology of the first two books, in a used-books bookstore back in Fayetteville, North Carolina. It reminded me that I should keep my mind open for other such opportunities. And it taught me more about myself and those around me.

The stories of Little Fuzzy, Fuzzy Sapiens, and Fuzzies and Other People are fast-paced, simple stories. Not complex at all. They are, no matter their simplicity, extremely entertaining. Of course, it doesn't hurt at all that the stories are about the discovery, study, adoption, and life with humans some very cute little people. But then, they wouldn't be the stories they are without the Fuzzies.

And I wouldn't be the person I am without the stories.

And that, my friends, is the best reason to own any book; a realization my mom has lost, if she even ever had it.

Yeah, I Know

2008-02-22T00:03:00.004-07:00

Well, I did it again. If either of you are keeping up with me, I respect your patience. At least it wasn't a year, though. You two and I know that's happened before.

Since my last post some--what? Three, four months ago?--I've gained furniture, several books and movies, and a boyfriend. Two in the list I was able to do because I finally got my lump sum from Disability. No, gaining a boyfriend wasn't one of them.

My sofa came unassembled. In two separate boxes. My boyfriend, Lester, helped me with the assembly; he's the one who did most of it. It's a really nice sofa, though, and comfortable enough to sleep on. And it's full length. Yes, my old sofa, the loveseat, was used as a bed more than once. I also got a 32" HD flat-screen tv. I got it cheap, and the stand underneath it; both were the last of their kinds and thus on sale. Two more sets of white shelves, just for books and stuff, several movies, a couple full tv series, and a fantastic queen-size high four-poster bed and mattress and bedsprings. The bed's solid wood.

I also picked up a laptop; waiting now for the rebate to come in.

I decided to get broadband (it's wirless for my laptop) on my phone--and long distance. I make several long-distance calls a month, and fifty cents to connect to an answering machine was getting expensive.

I finally got a counselor and a psych doctor at the VA. My doctor's hot, but he's got a girlfriend, plus he's too good looking anyway. LOL My counselor's an older woman, but very attentive; she actually asks real questions, and she's given me a book to use for focusing my mind. It's title is Come To Your Senses and it's by Stanley H. Block, M.D., with Carolyn Bryant Block. Start with chapter 13 if you get it; from there you'll get reading assignments with exercises to perform each day, often more than once a day.

I'm planning on going to college. I've reasearched things here and decided to go to Salt Lake Community College. I'm getting my transcripts (but not opening them--big no-no; the colleges want to open them themselves), and researching and applying for student aid. The catalog for the classes will come out mid-April and enrollment will begin in May. I'm going to be taking Accounting classes. I can go for a certificate, but I want the Associate's degree; I'll get better starting pay, though I suspect the starting pay of $8.50 I've seen listed for Accounting positions (in a bank job listing for tellers) is base for someone without a certificate even. But I don't want a job with the public; I want a job in a back room with a computer and numbers and software. whee

I'm going to college because I know I can't live on Disability all my life, and I don't want to. I want a job; I get bored with nothing to do. I need something to get me out of the house on a regular basis. School will do that, and so will the job after. I'm trying to improve myself, and living off the government for nothing is not going to help me do that.

As for writing, not much has been going on, though Pililani's Chosen (my Story of Epic Proportions) has split into stories about the different characters and not the overall picture. The goals are the same, though. Lead the mages through a war on their continent and then get them--and the enemy--ready to face off. I've started both Adelaide's and Marion's stories.

My boyfriend--not the least important of the things that I've gained--is named Lester. We met online at okcupid.com and messaged back and forth for about a week. We met on the first Friday after meeting online, and the first thought that popped into my head when I saw him the first time in person was: "He's the one!" LOL Well, we're going good six weeks into it, but it's still too early to know if I was right. He loves the Poops, so that's a big plus for him.

Happy New Year and All That Jazz

2008-01-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

I want some more orange juice. I just ran out, and it was actually working on this sinus headache that's doing its best to push my left eyeball out of my face while at the same time stabbing a stiletto of pain somewhere between the crown of my head and my forehead above my ear. For some reason, the clear piano notes of "Bridge Over Troubled Waters" by Simon & Garfunkel aggravated the pain, but the grinding guitar of "Everybody's Fool" by Evanescence didn't. I'd grab some pain pills, but I don't feel like taking them. I take enough meds as it is already.

I haven't posted for so long because nothing's been going on. I had an epiphany and started outlining Pililani's Chosen, then I had another epiphany and realized I needed more conflict in the monster, so I printed out Holly Lisle's Creating Conflict workshop. If this is going to be as big a project as I think it is, I want to make sure I don't have any novels where nothing happens to anybody like I've heard about in Robert Jordan's Wheel of Time series. I read to edify myself, and for entertainment. If I'm slogging through a novel where nothing happens, I get bored and forget about reading the rest of the series altogether. I couldn't even make it past the beginning of Tolkein's Lord of the Rings. It may be a classic, but that doesn't mean I've the patience to sit through pages and pages of infodump.

I recently ordered The Last Herald-Mage trilogy by Mercedes Lackey. I finished it in four days; I forgot what good reads those noevels are. If you can handle a gay MC, check 'em out. Magic's Pawn, Magic's Promise, and Magic's Price. They are, in my humble opinion, by far the best of her writing. Very compelling work in that trilogy.

I've also ordered a flute, music lessons, and a music stand. They're all supposed to arrive this week. I've been thinking for a long time about relearning to play the flute, and it's one of my resolutions to do so. I can't work, so I've got to find something to fill my time. I'm also going to try and get more into drawing.

Another "resolution" is to work on getting my mental illness declared service-related by the VA. I have to wait until March before I can talk to my Valley Mental Health doctor about her doing whatever she has to do for it. Then I take the note or whatever in to the Disabled American Veterans and let them go to work on it. I'm hoping to have the whole mess done by the end of the year, but I'm not really expecting it.

More Than A Week, I See

2007-12-18T22:39:00.000-07:00

I didn't do much this weekend except read over PC. I thought about it for a couple days, too, and I finally did all the outlining I'm apparently going to be able do on it: writing down which characters' POVs I'll be using. Thus far, it's going well, and the only problem I've had is getting stuck on adding another race to it all. I've decided to not go that far, though. I've got elves, dragons, humans, and a couple other races already, with nine 1st person POV characters leading the cast. This will, by the time I'm done writing it, a story of epic proportions. It's a good thing I don't expect the final version for a few years.

No progress on BOTS. I'll be getting back into it once I've figured what's really causing the block. I think part of it may be the fact that my MCs are becoming friends and it's not time for them to go on their little excursion together so Adio can arrive. There's more to it, though, so I'm just trying to figure out what that is. If this block goes for much longer, I may just write through it.

Most writers make their own blocks.

I've thought of opening up the binder with Heirs in it, but I'm not ready to read that. I still have to decide exactly what I'm going to do, but I'm leaning toward a compromise, since I've determined that Rikiyu is going to be sent home before he and Barukei break the law any more than they already have. That means I have to start all of Rikiyu's povs over from the beginning, and I'm not looking forward to that. Then again, maybe not. I'll have to read it, but I think Hiyo's at home in this version, so I'll have to find a way to do the rewrite without her until near the very end of the first book. And I just might make it so that Rikiyu knows he is a "place holder."

I've finally figured out how the magic works on Taitia--that's important because it's part of one of the storylines I've got planned for it. If I can't get back to NC before I need Taitia's maps, I'll have to redraw them, and I'd hate to do that. I won't remember everything.

Speaking of going back to NC, still no word on my lump sum. I'm getting tired of waiting and will probably call them tomorrow about it. At this point, I'm ready just to move back to NC. I want my stuff back!

My friend Nancy itroduced me to the game Fate. It's a dungeon-crawl role-playing game similar to Diablo in what you do, but dissimilar in almost every other way.

I finished Steven King's Dreamcatcher a few days ago. Very good. It compelled me again, but I forced myself away from it long enough to eat and do the things I had to do. It gets very surreal near the end, and I don't quite understand everything that went on, but that's me. I'm sure the next time I read it, I'll understand it better. I won't be as exhausted from staying up all night reading it.

2007-12-11T13:44:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a week or so. Probably longer. Not much has been going on. No really interesting news stories that piqued my temper. Just writing.

I broke 10k on Blood On The Snow (BOTS) on the 8th--this is fresh rewrite. It's not going the way I planned, so I'm having to twist some things. whee Adio will be arriving at the temple soon, while Gildas and Brede are in another town. Same stuff from before, but I'll be writing in Adio's pov, too, now.

I've picked up a good book: Dreamcatcher by Stephen King. It enthralled me Saturday night, and I only put it down on Sunday because I was exhausted. I haven't picked it up since, as I'm digesting the first 3/5ths of the novel.

The . . . iGrill

2007-12-04T21:38:00.000-07:00

No, that wasn't a dramatic pause. That was a pause of disbelief. The iGrill is truly the thing to get for the person who has absolutely everything. As long as the receiver of this gift has a computer with USB ports, this is the perfect gift. Of course, I'm laughing my tushie off over it, because it's also so damned absurd! Who needs this? Read the sales pitch, then ask yourself: "Just where do you keep the meat for cooking in the office?" Never mind the side dishes . . .

I've Found the Quote I've Been Living By

2007-12-01T06:51:00.000-07:00

My mom says I trust too easily. She doesn't understand that this is the person I want to be. I have chosen to become trusting of others. If my trust proves misplaced, it's easy enough to forgive the one who broke my trust, and I move on. I cannot hate anyone. I refuse to. It's not worth it.

I was going to rant about how the Conservatives use "homosexual agenda" and "gay lifestyle" as though they've lived LGBT lives themselves, but I decided not to. I'm tired. I got up at 1100 yesterday and will probably be up until 2300 tonight. I don't want to get my dander up because I won't be able to calm down; I'll rant at a later time, when I'm well-rested and more sensible than I am now.

What caused me to decide against ranting? The quote I found that I've apparently been living by without realizing it. As I said before, I want to be a trusting person. It's a lot easier than being afraid people are out to get me, and I get rewarded a lot more often than others may expect. I don't trust stupidly (you'll never find my physical address here), but I take people on an individual basis, and I let my trust flow. At moments, I even feel the love that God has given me for everyone. Even the guy who just called me a bitch and flipped me off.

The Quote:

Better to trust all, and be deceived,
And weep that trust and that deceiving,
Than doubt one heart, that if believed
Had blessed one's life with true believing.

Frances Anne Kemble

It's a simple truth I found on my own and have not been able to explain adequately. Frances Anne Kemble's words say it with the beauty and grace of poetry.

Simpson (Again)

2007-11-28T16:10:00.000-07:00

Well, judging by his smirk, Simpson thinks he'll get off again. I seriously doubt the jury will accede to his hubris. I don't care if he wasn't holding a gun. He needs to see some prison time for what he's done this time around. Kidnapping? Uh, OJ, it's time to lock you away. If only to keep you from doing something stupid to get yourself in the spotlight again--since doing stupid illegal things is the only way you can get that spotlight.

On the "somewhat amusing" front, Alexander D. Smith tried to open an account with a fake million-dollar bill. The teller, of course, knew it was fake, and called the police. There's no need for the printing of million-dollar bills. Apparently his earlier success with a forged check (for cigarettes, no less) gave him the confidence to fake a nonexistent bill.

Under "What A Waste of Money!" we have Mart Green offering the Oral Roberts University seventy million. I'm glad he's not so stupid as to dump it all in at once, but I still think it's a stupid thing to do. We need fewer fundamentalist Christians and preachers, not more. If even the Catholic Church can't interpret the bible correctly when it comes to homosexuality, how can they expect to?

"Sick, Disgusting, Deplorable, and Outrageous" has for us the tale of Papa Pilgrim who abused his children physically and psychologically, repeatedly raped and beat his "special daughter," and used the Bible for his own version of "morality," which, of course, allowed him to do this to his family. First, he ran away from the law, then, while in trial, he's flip-flopped on whether he's entering a "No Contest" plea. They'd better put him in isolation, or he won't live to see parole.

In "Oddities," police in Florida found a couple trash bags full of marijuana along the side of the road. The Florida Highway Patrol has offered to return it to the owners, but I doubt there'll be any takers. What surprised me is that it's not the largest such pot-pickup they've had.

And last, but not least, the "This Is A Surprise?" category. In this we have news that Cyber Monday (the first Monday after Thanksgiving, "as consumers return to their office and click on their computers to shop") started at over 700mil. And this is a surprise? *shakes head* Go figure.

Pic . . . ture . . .

2007-11-27T03:57:00.000-07:00

Here's a pic of Poopie.

If you look farther down, you'll see my pic on my profile. Yeah, I know the dog's more a looker than I am: that's why I love him. (Well, not really. I love him because he loves me.)

Whee . . .

2007-11-26T19:34:00.000-07:00

I made my appointment. When I got there, the doctor was just leaving; my appointment hadn't been put in his schedule. He still saw me anyway. He's a nice looking guy, very calm, understanding, and he agrees with the diagnosis of Bipolar disorder. My friends in FM chat encouraged me to go for him, since he's young. LOL I declined, and not just because he's my psych doctor. He's there only on Mondays and I forgot to have him sign the companion animal form, so I have to go back next week and see if he'll do it then. whee

Mom brought over the turkey, dressing, and cobbler she made; the cobbler's homemade. Mmm. I had some of the turkey tonight, and I ate some of the dressing for breakfast. It has an odd flavor, but it's okay.

I just read a note from Valley that says my appt with my psych doctor there will need to be cancelled. No big deal; I have to pay for services there anyway, so I'm just going to tell them that I don't need services there any more. Which is a very big relief.

My Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom (and Other Things)

2007-11-26T01:58:00.000-07:00

My Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom is:
Ron Weasley learns to make pancakes after converting to Scientology
Get your Harry Potter Spoiler of Doom

I freely admit I clicked several times to get one that made sense. The creator of this little thingie must not have read the books or seen the movies, because one had something to do with one of Draco's bully-buddies blowing up parliaments with polyjuice potion. Uhm, polyjuice potion doesn't blow things up (unless, of course, you're using it to change from a skinny person to a fat person).

Well, Bush is Up To Something again. This shouldn't be a surprise, but I was surprised by it. I'm a bit confused about the details, but what I do understand I don't like. Methinks Bush is playing Big Brother.

I've rather given up on my attempts at NaNoing this year. Yeah, my first year, and I get a grand total of 1040 words on PC and 6456 words on my attempt at writing a "faith" story set on Ferodoxis. Well, both are rather "faith" stories, that being the theme of both. "Goddess reawakens others' faith in herself" in Pililani's Chosen and "dissatisfied follower of Deity regains his faith" in Zaashen's Redepmtion, the second attempt at NaNoing (the "faith" story set on Ferodoxis). I need to do some (okay, a lot) of prep work for PC, and I started ZR in the wrong place. Yeah, I'm lazy. I dread doing the prep work for PC because I don't want to lose interest in the story, and I didn't do too much on ZR because I didn't want to have to write all those chapters where Zaashen's life goes to shit because of the child Avatar he adopts.

On the other hand, I restarted Protégé. It's already up to just over 28K on wordcount, and is going much better than before. Thus far, it's been more of a romance, and I'm debating what more I need to include in the way of sex aside from the required scene where Tamberlain saves Gan's life by Healing him. Gan's finally in Tamberlain's bed (where he's been dreaming of being for months now), but he's not going to take well to what Tamberlain had to do in order to save him. Nope, nuh-uh. Gan is going to FREAK OUT. (In case you haven't guessed it, I've decided that Tamberlain hasn't been angsting enough.)

Oh, Thanksgiving was good. Went out to Golden Corral and ate with friends. Mom had volunteered for and worked an eight-hour shift that day.

Now I'm off to bed.

Thoughts

2007-11-16T13:22:00.000-07:00

I've recently learned a few new things.

The first: A friend of mine believes people should marry within their own race. This, I think, is rather racist, and I don't understand. It's hard for me to comprehend, because God made us to love, and it shouldn't matter who we love. It doesn't to me. This somewhat backwards view of my friend makes me fret because I know other people hold the same backwards view.

Second: My mom told me today that my VA pension won't be reduced. Apparently, as long as I make less than 10k from any other source, I still get the VA pension in full. I am not going to question this any further, as Mom got the information off the VA's website.

Third: Apparently, they've service-connected my 0% knee injury.

Fourth: I learned about craigslist from my neighbor. I even posted an ad to try and find a woman to date. If you click on the name craigslist in the upper left-hand corner, it takes you to the root site, which has links to every state, many cities, and other locations around the world.

Fifth: If I go to the Disabled American Veterans of Utah, I can receive assistance for getting my mental illness declared a service-connected disability. This means a higer pension (possibly), and more care from the VA (I think). I've only just gotten my Federal Benefits for Veterans and Dependents pamphlet, so I'm not sure exactly what I'm elibible for with a higher percentage service-connected disability, even though I've read all the information already. I'm still kind of confused about it.

Sixth: I met a Mormon vet yesterday at the VA, and he believes that homosexuals and bisexuals should conform to mainstream society, be ex-gay and what not, and live miserable, lying lives. Yes, he'd rather people lie to their spouses about their sexuality than allow us "sexual deviants" to marry whomever we want. Otherwise, I like the guy.

Seventh: Mom found out that two of my psych meds are for depression. No wonder why I still go looneybins when I'm under stress.

Oh, and I've been reminded that my mother is more predjudiced than she thinks she is. She does this every so often.

I haven't been doing much writing on my NaNo. It isn't PC any more, but another faith-based story, this time set on Imotina with a couple of gay characters and an ungendered child. I should be writing on it now, in fact, but I wanted to get online to check to see if the craigslist ad I responded to has had a reply. The thing is with my writing, I'm excited by the idea of writing, but, even when I put my butt in the chair and open the bloody file, I just sit and daydream about it. Maybe I will after I'm done here.

Tact, Anyone?

2007-11-01T01:25:00.000-06:00

Yeah, I'm staying up waaaay past my bedtime. But hey, y'all (2 readers) didn't know that before, so you're starting off the day with new knowledge. Tonight, as (any?) writers in the know will know, was the kickoff of NaNo. I, the oddball at FM, was the only one not staying up to type my novel's first hundred words at the crack of midnight. I was up waiting so I could check my bank account for my VA check.

And, of course, the bank site was down for "scheduled maintenance." *rolls eyes*

Anyway, I got to surfing my favorite blogs, and happened to check Christine Bakke's blog. I check it about once a week. In her blog, I found a link to Peterson Toscano's blog about Ex-Gay therapy and its harms. I posted to it, and y'all (2 readers) will find my reply near the bottom of the comments section (at present). While, I wasn't "officially" in any sort of ex-gay therapy, the Catholic Church is its own kind of ex-gay therapy. You marry the opposite gender, or remain celibate all your life (while secretly soliciting whatever religiously-illegal sex you want while hoping no one finds out). No, I'm not including pedophiles and child molesters in this; just your run-of-the-mill fallen priests.

Just a moment; I'm going to see if I can sign in to my bank account.

Oh, yes. I'm in!

My money came in. Good. Also, I just figured out why my media player's been playing only Enya. I've been wondering that for a while. Yeah, I am that ditzy sometimes.

I'm waiting to see if I can get a new therapist at VMH. I need one. I finally was able to give my nurse there some concrete descriptions as to what's going on with me, since "I'm losing myself" wasn't working. Unfortunately, the public mental health system won't allow my doctor there to sign the companion animal form so I can keep my dog. Still, there's hope. When I go in to the VA hospital for my first meeting with my general practitioner, I'm taking one such form in and explaining the perfect truth: Poopie is the only reason why I get up. And he is. I have to take the lovable little bugger out in the morning, or I'd just spend all day in bed.

How's this for tactlessness? Come on, people. God doesn't cause things like this war. Bush caused this war. And it wasn't because he hates gays. It's because he's playing a game of one-upmanship against his father, who in fact advised him against entering a war like this. And God, for your information, doesn't cause natural disasters, either. Or bridge collapses. Be careful where you wave your signs, people, or you may cause the next deadly natural disaster.

And while Dog the Bounty Hunter may have had a tactless moment of his own, he is apologizing and making an effort to change his behavior. Never mind the fact that the person who recorded the clip shouldn't have done so in the first place.

Can you guess who fits my definition of "Christian" better?

As to NaNo? Well, I figure I'll go ahead and work on Pililani's Chosen despite recent indcisiveness between it, Touching Octavia; THOI (again), and the sequels to Gildas and Protegé. It's the one I should write (again), anyway. It's been a year or more in the back of my head (previous progress during the past year notwithstanding), and it really needs my undivided attention for a while. Unfortunately, it's not going to get it right away. I'll be doing (or trying to do) 2k words on Gildas each day, too. A new development has made Adio much more important than I thought he was meant to be . . .

Bowling on Sunday was fun. I was worn out from the move and lack of sleep, but I put on a pair of panty-hose glittered fairy wings and went as the half-assed fairy ("I can't be a full fairy because I'm not a guy"). I scored 70, 72, and 67 (I was tired by that point and not focusing as well), which will up my average to something like 69 or so, I guess. I got to pin a spider to John's butt, and Margaret was subbing for Larry. There were a total of four Zorros; the best I think was the woman. She had a real rapier. And she was with the Phantom of the Opera. What better dates could anyone hope for?

And, I'm surprising myself. I've never been one for the charismatic church feeling, yet I find myself dancing and clapping at church now. And I like it. I guess I'm so comfortable because nobody cares how I act as long as I'm tactful.

Just How Stupid Do You Have To Be?

2007-10-30T21:52:00.000-06:00

We all played games like Tug-of-War as kids, didn't we? At least once. And some of us even wrapped the rope around ourselves to keep a better "grip" on it. But, supposing everybody else on your team gave up tugging, you'd only get your face or bottom planted in the dirt. Well, these two had a better plan. Why not wrap the rope around our hands? The Lutheran HS is pretty up-to-date on Christian morals (they haven't changed in over two thousand years), but not, apparently, on common sense.

Personally, I signed up for NaNo, and I'm settled in my new place. whee

Several Things of Note

2007-10-24T02:27:00.000-06:00

Well, first, here's an update about the recent Outing of Dumbledore, for those of you who are interested.

In political news, Castro has written an essay about the possibility of Bush igniting WWIII. While I agree with the conclusion, I don't quite see where Castro gets his reasoning. It seems far-fetched, especially the parts about using food to make fuel. Um, corn-->fuel=starvation? I completely agree that Bush is not planning a "forceful invasion of Cuba." But then, I wouldn't be surprised if Bush tried it; he has gotten us into an endless war in the middle east, after all.

You can get a download of a King James Bible With Addendum supporting, according to the claims of the site, homosexuality. I'm curious about the "new revelation" (dated 2000-on the supposed millenium, no less), I'm not willing to buy a King James version of the Bible. I already have one, which I recieved upon my graduation from Sunday School at the First Christian Church of Astoria, Oregon. I don't read that one, either; I keep it because it provokes some of the few memories I have of my childhood.

If I wish to read the Bible now, I turn to my New American Bible. If you wish to get one, I suggest you purchase the actual tome, not just the online version, that way you can cart it around with you and read it wherever. I also suggest you read all the intros and forwards and such at the very beginning of it, for in that manner you will be enlightened as to the processes and rigors of translating the ancient words into modern vernacular, and you will be given an overview of the part of the world in which the Old Testament was used and the New Testament was written.

As for my personal situation? I'm moving back to the New Grand. I'm supposed to be packing right now, so I'll sign off.

A Suspicion Has Been Confirmed True

2007-10-19T21:29:00.000-06:00

I found an interesting article on my email's sign-in page. It seems that my suspicions were true--at least about one character in the Dumbledore/Grindelwald partnership. J.K. Rowling has confirmed that Albus is gay. I had always wondered if there was more going on there than it seemed, and I suspected more than a friendship there. Now, at least on Albus's part, it's proven more. I still wonder about Gellert, though.

As to my own writing--it's not been going. I'm still concerned about the moving process and everything, though I did get some of the preliminaries for Housing done. I have an appointment there on Monday with the coordinator for the building I want to move into. Also, I found out that I may be elibible for medical care at the VA. And, when I came home, I had a message from the other apartment place I'd put an application in to. Today was an altogether busy day (from VA, to Bank, to Housing, to Wal*Mart, back home), but a very good one. Things are looking up, and I'm thinking that the other place--not the Housing place--will be a better prospect. It'll have a dishwasher, where the Housing place won't. whee

Updates--and A Little Celebrity Tidbit

2007-10-16T02:18:00.000-06:00

Here's an update on the Jena Six case. Apparently a higher court is checking the case out. The previously convicted member of the Six had violated his parole from a previous charge, so he was given eighteen months. Also, some protesters showed up in Jena, to demonstrate against the unequal justice for blacks and whites there.

And a little tidbit here about Britney Spears. Seems she's given herself up to the police. Apparently she is willing to take responsibility for the hit-and-run she performed, damaging another car in the process. Well. What a surprise.

Personally, I'm doing pretty well right now. I've been severely depressed lately, but I've had some good news about my moving situation that's brightened my days over the past weekend. It seems I may be moving into an apartment back at my old building. The manager's doing the background check and all the other stuff he has to do before he can ask for the money. From what I understand, I'll have east-facing windows again--but this time they're on the outside of the building, overlooking the street and shorter-building neighbors, not a rooftop nook with a great view of the heating and air conditioning unit for the restaurant on the first floor. whee

I haven't been writing for the past few days, but I have been working on some worldbuilding. Specifically the Imotina language. I've been reading stuff from Langmaker, which has improved my conlanging skills a bit. I'm still learning, but I'm doing better than before.

I was writing, on GM. As it stands now, it's at about 55.5k, and I think it's going to run long. Maybe I'll get a chance to finish it before NaNo if my move comes soon. If I do get to move into the apartment at the New Grand. :)

0600: I've updated my goal for GM to 80k, since it looks like it's going to run over 60k.

Jena Revisited

2007-10-06T07:25:00.000-06:00

Yes, I know, I didn't say anything about the Jena mess before, but I was completely out of the news loop for a long time. I wasn't even posting here at the time it happened, and I heard about it only in passing. I remember hearing about it. A news article about it on my email site's front page (where I usually pick up my news bites), reminded me of it this morning.

There are some stories that explain the situation as it stands presently. Residents: Nooses Spark School Violence, Divide Town and In Louisiana, A Tree, A Fight, and A Question of Justice give a good overview. I was quite shocked to learn that a Baptist minister actually claimed to have tied nooses around his own neck as a child, in the second story. I think that a white kid tying a noose around his own neck isn't as provocative as white students tying nooses in a tree that a black student had permission to sit under, except that the kid who was tying nooses around his own neck should have been seen by a psychiatrist.

For those who don't care to read the articles, the issue begins with a black student asking a question and being given the proper answer by the school's principal. The student asked if he could sit under a specific tree. The principal responded that he could "sit anywhere." The day after, nooses were to be seen hung from the limbs of the tree, placed there by white students. Though the school's principal suggested a more harsh punishment, the school council suspended them for only three days.

After the nooses were hung, racial tensions increased in the school, until the point when a white student was beat up by several black students. Now, I don't say the black students didn't do something wrong, but they're freaking juveniles, and several of them were being tried as adults. Only one of the black students has been convicted so far, and the convictions were overturned by a higher court that thought he should have been tried as a juvenile with the lesser crime of assault and battery, not as an adult for attempted murder.

What I gathered from the articles is that the blacks have a realistic view of their town and the whites don't. I mean, white students hang nooses, and the school council cited in one of the articles merely suspends them for three days? How absurd is that?

And now the Mayor's upset over John Mellencamp's song about the issue. He says that it's inflammatory. Um, I'd call nooses in the school's "white tree" pretty inflammatory. He says that the situation should not be compared with the Civil Rights movements of the 60's. I think it should. It doesn't cheapen the sacrifice of those who died in the 60's and before. Hanging noooses in a tree known as the "white tree," which a black student then sat under, is a death threat, not a "prank."

I believe that the white students who pulled the so-called "prank" should have been punished more harshly, and that a harsher punishment (such as expulsion from the school) would have prevented the later beating. I believe the Jena 6 should be punished as fitting to their status and the true extent of the crime they commited: As juveniles, for assault and battery.

Personally, I'd be more worried, were I Murphy R. McMillin, about people thinking of my state as one uninterested in Justice for all involved, instead of complaining about a singer's testament affecting opinions. I have news for Mayor McMillin: Opinions were affected by the white students who hung those nooses, not by a song that's appeared several months after the fact, and also the fact that McMillin did nothing about the incedent that inspired the song.

*Steps off Soapbox*

The Appendix Just May Have A Purpose After All

2007-10-05T18:05:00.000-06:00

This article about the appendix explains what scientists have now theorized about it. If what they say is true, we've answered one of the great mysteries of our bodies.

God is apparently talking to Richard Roberts, son of televangelist Oral Roberts, concerning scandals at Oral Roberts University. Apparently Richard and his wife have been doing things they shouldn't have been doing with money that isn't really theirs. But then, what's new about that?

Oh, and OJ Simpson's Watch was a knockoff from China, not a real Rolex. If you're really that interested to know about it, I've provided the link, but I've only skimmed the article. He also still owes money to the victims' families that was awarded in the wrongful death civil suit against him. I wonder why he hasn't paid them yet?

I haven't been packing like I'm supposed to be. Shame on me. I have, however, managed to pay this month's rent again (yay!).

I've just discovered what used to be Christy's bed is now roachy. yick. I have to get the bug spray and kill 'em before they take over the whole bed. I think I'm getting my itch rash back already, though. *sigh* At least I have the medicinal cream already prescribed. I just need to get that prescription filled.

Writing's going pretty well. I've got 3.5k to write today--part of that's to make up for the rest of the 2k I missed on Wednesday. I still haven't decided what I'll work on after NaNo, if I get to participate. Probably THOI. I'm thinking of restarting it, as a real tandem trilogy . . . one focused on one of the candidates for the succession, one focused on the invaders creeping in, and one . . . I don't know what the third one would be focused on yet, but I'll figure it out.

If I do it this way, that means I have to work on the Imotna conlang for the second novel, where the invaders won't be able to understand the language of the country they're invading. Which means more work, but fun work. I'm actually looking forward to it, because now I've got some advice from sites like Langmaker which has a link to a Language Construction Kit by Mark Rosenfelder. Now, maybe I'll make some real progress on it.

I'm still waiting for news on a place to move into. I may end up in a hostel for a month or two. whee If so, it won't be so bad. I'll take my computer with me. I'll see about getting some sort of internet and all.

Curious Forms of Writer's Block

2007-10-04T21:57:00.000-06:00

Well, for some reason, on the wiki I've just started making for one of my worlds, I've gotten writer's block. It's really odd, though. Two of the paragraphs were about the two largest continents, which I know the least about, and I had no trouble writing about those. The smallest continent on this world is the one I know the most about, and I can't think of anything to write about it. Strange . . .

I'm writing again. whee Been getting about 2k a day on just one WIP: Gildas. Going along pretty well here, too. Should be done about the time I move. I don't know which'll happen first, though. I'm focusing on Gildas because it's the only one I think I'll be able to get done before NaNo.

I do intend to join National Novel Writing Month (NaNo). That's if I'm in a place where I have access to my own computer. If not, I won't be doing it. Thing is, I really do want to join it this year. If I can't however, it won't kill me. I'll just have to wait until next year.

Okay, thanks to a conversation in the FM chat room, I have now learned a little bit about Ron Jeremy. I was warned to not "google" his name, but the wiki was nice and clean. Very conducive to the learning of facts without any pictures but of him at some movie preview, apparetnly dressed, wearing also a mustache. Here is a link, if you're interested, to the Wiki I read.

I've (barely) started packing, and tomorrow I have to get nine boxes packed to make up for the three I didn't do today or yesterday. I don't know if I have nine boxes of stuff I'm not using to pack. LOL I'm sure I'll find enough, any how. Maybe I'll just do six. That would be easier.

Yeah, I Know It's Been A While

2007-09-28T03:12:00.000-06:00

I hit a funk, which is why I haven't been posting. When my fic writing goes, so does everything else, and I've just reached the point where I'm spending days in bed, so I decided to pull myself out this time. I do not want to be in bed all day. So, after running my errands this afternoon (I slept all morning), I came home and opened up Gildas's story. Yes, I did. I read it, too, all the way to the current "end." I can't say that I'm itching to write, but I intend to do some today or tomorrow on Gildas. He and his lover need to get out of bed and bathe . . .

During my month-long hiatus, I've been playing The Sims 2, and making new Sim heads on The Sims Body Shop, and I even downloaded The Sims HomeCrafter Plus. I've experimented enough on the HomeCrafter Plus thingie to have a vague idea how to go about things, but I'm at a complete and total loss as to how to change the skin tones, hair, and eye colors (clothes will come later) in Body Shop. I've got walkthroughs, but I want to get tutorials--which are available online, I just don't recall where at the moment--and learn how to use my Corel Paint Shop Pro Photo XI program first. Yes, I've been spending all this time on the computer and I still haven't learned PSPXI yet. You may trout me.

I joined a bowling league through the Sacred Light of Christ Church. I'm having lots of fun, too. I'm the only girl in the four-person team, and I adjusted the name that one of my teammembers had for a previous team he played with: Three Pansies and Tulips. Well, with the Three Pansies obviously being the three gay guys on my team, that leaves me as the Tulips, since I'm the only female. Say it out loud. If you still don't get it: What do women have two of that men only have one of. And still another clue! Think below the waist for the answer. If you don't get that, you are a total innocent. But I'll give you another, and this one's pretty obvious. They're "scientifically" called "labia," and they cover the female sex organs. No more clues now!

I've started collecting boxes for the move. I'm planning on taking a shopping cart (here from the last move) down to the place where all the north-end businesses in the mall throw their boxes. It's in this garage thingie, and on Monday they'll have plenty of boxes outside the cage for the taking. That's really important, seeing as I don't know if the cage can be opened by the uninitiated (it may be locked). No, I haven't checked, but I got distracted by all the available boxes last time I went in to look.

I have finally cleared out Christy's room. She went to the office and handed in her keys and signed the form they needed her to sign stating that she wouldn't be returning here to live. After that, I gave my notice. I'm supposed to be out of this apartment by the 25th of Oct. whee A friend from the Sacred Light of Christ Church came to help. We had that room cleared in less than two hours. I lost the handset and headphone attachment to my cordless phone in the process, but all of Christy's worthless stuff was out, and that's what counted. Now I owe my mom not only for the $100.00 she loaned me earlier this month, but also for the price of the new cordless phone. Still, I'd rather owe to my mother. She understands. :)

I will see about posting sometime later . . .

2007-09-11T19:11:00.000-06:00

Let's see . . . I haven't been online for a few days recently--not since Friday last week. Before that, I didn't have much to report. whee

I joined a bowling league on Sunday night. I had great fun; I'm the only girl in a group of guys. LOL We're considering the team name of "Three Pansies and Tulips." The guys are the three pansies. LOL We voted the expert bowler as our team captain. I'm looking forward to next Sunday. :)

Christy hasn't shown up and she was supposed to move in today. I doubt she'll come for her stuff, but Mom thinks she will. She doesn't know Christy as well as I do.

Freudian Slip?

2007-09-04T14:41:00.000-06:00

Freudian Slip?

We all make mistakes sometimes. However, someone should be more careful when they're in public view. I find it refreshing that Jerry Lewis took responsibility for what he said, too: "I accept responsibility for what I said. There are no excuses."

Something Interesting, and Other Comments

2007-09-01T05:33:00.000-06:00

Yes, I've pulled yet another all-nighter. This time by accident. I just got so hooked up into looking for online comics that I never went to bed. Anyway, I checked my email around four a.m., and I found this healine article on the sign-in page: Has A Mythical Beast Turned Up In Texas? Considering the comments made by a veterinarian make some sense, but the head looks like a cross between a dog and an aardvark to me. Then again, I've ever seen the aardvark from that cartoon, "The Ant and the Aardvark." So, what do I know?

Here is a closer look at the head in the sink: Head In the Sink Now I see it closer, it really does look like some strange dog's head.

I haven't written since the 26th, but I have been cleaning up the apartment. whee Finally got out of that funk I was in. I'm feeling much more cheerful and relaxed, aside from the concern about Christy. I'm happy to be living "alone" again. It's nice, but I do wish I had some visitors. I guess I have to make more friends. whoppee

Now, I'm having to use a new activation code to get into my online bank account. For some reason, my correct signin and neither of my two common passwords (one of which I know I've used before on that site) are working. Go figure. Maybe it's got something to do with me trying to sign in during the "Scheduled Maintenance" earlier. Whatever. Well, apparently, the systems are still down, and they're just not being up front about it. Figures.

Now, I'm looking for books on the Nazis and WWII from Germany's point of view on Audible.com. Yeah, I have a weird sort of fascination with the German side of WWII. I recently bought a biography of Hitler, and a couple of DVDs focused on the German side of the war. I just want to understand how things could go so badly, how Hitler could be so demonic, and how his subordinates and others could be so psychopathic. The Third Reich is something that's interested me for years. That doesn't mean that I want a repeat. I'm academically interested, in the manner of, "maybe if I understand, I won't fall so easily as everyone in Germany seemed to at that time." You know, our democracy counts on the men we elect being willing to step down after their terms in office. Get a power-hungry lunatic in office and give him the right political/social/financial "reasons," and he'll take over, maybe not as subtly as Hitler did, but he will take over.

I really, really hope that someone NOT a Republican is elected in '08. Or at least, someone more intelligent, also preferrably not a Republican. With the Republicans courting and being courted by the right-wing religious movement (which many more Christians than they realize aren't party to), I'm afraid that a Republican would throw America back into the social middle ages. Their slogan: "Blame the Gays for the state of Marriage!" When it should be: "Blame Straight social/sexual/political movements for the state of Marriage!" But, the willfully blind won't see the truth. First, the Pill came, then came sexual liberation of straights; after all, who in same-sex couples could get pregnant? To right-wing religious extremists, Marriage fell apart with the coming Out of the homosexual/bisexual community, when it really started years before, with Sufferage For Women. Brave women stood up for their own rights, and that was a good thing; unfortunately for men, it meant they weren't in control any more. This, too, was a good thing. That's when Marriage started to suffer. Give women their right to vote (which is ethical and sensible and irrevocably right), and we'll take every other right we can get our hands on (including that of sexual freedom, in whatever form it comes).

No, I'm not a feminist. Well, slightly one, but definitely not an extremist, and most definitely not militaristic. I'd rather be cheerful, happy, and content than angry, hostile, and pessimistic. I'm a pretty easy going girl, when it comes down to it. Even when you step on my toes (break my trust). The first time. The second time? You're just not there any more.

On the other hand, I'm very loyal to my friends. I don't give them up easily. I did that once, and I've regretted it ever since. I am, it seems to me, as bipolar in my friendships as I am mentally; I just don't see reason to trust more than twice. The old saying, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." At the same time, it's extremely difficult to piss me off the first time to the point where I don't want communication again--eventually. Even the second time--I forgive, but I don't forget. I don't like being hurt, and twice is enough to teach me to avoid someone who will most likely hurt me again. My mom says I'm "too forgiving." I prefer to be that way; it keeps me from worse health problems than I already have. It also keeps me from losing friends who mean more to me than mere wounded pride. And yes, that was how I gave up one of my best friends; I chose pride over him.

I have, I think, babbled enough for now.

I've Done Something New

2007-08-31T15:27:00.000-06:00

I've done something I've never done before. Even when I was younger, before entering the Navy, I didn't do this; I just didn't see a reason to. I've gone and stepped "out."

On Wednesday, I went to an evening service at the Sacred Light of Christ Church, which is a member of the Metropolitan Community Church Organisation. This is an LGBT church that also welcomes heterosexuals. The Sacred Light's website is rather defunct, but it's got some information on it. Like the church's address, and, if you try to email the pastor or by using the general "contact" form, you'll get the church's phone number. Pastor Dee is a very nice guy, and is very willing to let you babble on and on (which is what I did when I called the church Tuesday evening). I've met several nice guys and I think I can get along with the more Charismatic service; I'm just not that expressive. They have Wednesday service at 1900, a spaghetti dinner on Thursday at the same time (they ask for a $3.00 donation, but it's not required), and 1100 service on Sundays. I don't take their communion, but I am welcome to refuse, and that gives me comfort, for I wish to continue with my Catholicism because of the specific beliefs I have about the Eucharist and other things.

I notice that, having gone this far, I'm experiencing doubt. Am I really bisexual? Yes, but I doubt it, and I'm afraid that I won't be accepted as really bisexual by others in the church, and that that I won't be accepted because I'm bisexual. I'm sitting on the fence of sexuality, being bi. It frightens me, and that's why I doubt; understanding this, however, does not make the doubt go away. It just makes its presence easier to understand. To get it to go away, I have to continue as I have finally begun.

I have told my friend Nancy, the Mormon. I was afraid she'd be upset, but she reminded me, "My sister's gay!" That was a great comfort to me, especially since I'd forgotten about that. Unfortunately, I can't tell my friend Deborah; she is staunchly Catholic, and I'm afraid she'll reject me like Christy did. If I start dating a girl, I'll have to tell her, but I'm waiting until then. It's hard knowing you have to keep part of yourself secret from a friend. I may just tell her, get it over with. Let her call up Nancy and rant about it. Whatever Deborah decides (if I do tell her), I'll accept. I'd have no choice.

Mom has always been okay with it. I asked her "what if I'm gay?" when I was a teen. She accepted it then, and she accepts it now. I was worried when I was younger; I had forgotten that she was engaged to be married to a transvestite when I was a kid. I didn't know at the time that he was a transvestite, but Mom later told me about it. She's also had gay and lesbian friends. This, too, I had forgotten when I was a teen. Having my mom's love and acceptance is such a blessing, and I thank God for it.

Decisions and Choices

2007-08-28T08:07:00.001-06:00

Well, I called in a missing persons report on Christy. The officer I spoke with was very kind. I gave him a description of Christy and asked that they not force her to come home, since she's so determined to stay away. He assured me that they wouldn't do that, but that they will, if they find her, give me a report on how she's doing. All I can do now is wait.

Check out Adrien's post for today. I left a comment, raising my e-hand in response to the question regarding choice. Yes, I choose to be bi. Yet, for some odd reason, I keep dating men, despite the fact that I find women more fascinating, physically. Go figure. Hetero socialization, I guess. I think it's because I'm still trying to realize the "get married" dream, when all I really want is someone to spend my life with. Not just anybody, mind you, but someone who cares for me and whom I can care about in return. I'd prefer a woman, when I think about it. That just seems more attractive to me. Now, all I have to do is scrape up the courage to chat up the girl that I like at Office Depot. Like that's going to happen! But, damn, she's cute.

Also, check out Lyndsey's post for today. It links to an article on gay marriage in the past in Europe. Apparently, Mexico, that Catholic-riddled country, has legalized a civil partnership for gays that gives them the same rights as straight marrieds. This, out of Mexico? Then again, America's full of religious prudes who can't--or won't--see sense. I see the Bible as a pretty poor basis for denying rights to people who can and often do live by God's word; homosexual unions threaten nothing but others' sense of self, because, if they admit others can be homosexual, that means they could have been or are also. It all comes down to fear. Just fear.

I've got a psych doc appointment today sometime after 1300. Not sure if it's 1315 or 1350--I couldn't understand the time on the reminder call that I received. As I want to arrive there before the appointment, I'll be leaving the apt at around 1115. whee And the bus route changed, too, so I had to look that up. I just love it when UTA (Utah Transit Authority) changes bus routes. Makes my life so much easier, it does. And, yes, I really do have to leave that early. I might miss the correct bus otherwise.

I pulled another all-nighter. This time I did something very unusual. I typically spend all night in FM chat or playing games on my computer. Instead, I spent last night watching movies and crocheting. It's been about three months since I last worked on the blanket I started on late last year. And I rarely watch movies all night. Started out with Boogie Nights, went on to The Running Man, then to Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Arc, then ended it with Memoirs of A Geisha. Make what you will of that selection. I've also got Shreck/Shreck 2, Mel Brooks's Young Frankenstein, and Goonies. In movie "taste," I'm all over the place. It's the same with my music. I have Jazzy Norah Jones, Folksy Simon and Garfunkel, Catholic Liturgical music, Bee Gees old and the last CD they ever made (Size Isn't Everything), Queen, Hall & Oates, Elton John, Garth Brooks, Enya. Don't get me started on my reading preferences. I read the backs of cereal boxes; that's enough said.

On the writing front, I plan on joining National Novel Writing Month this year. I don't know what I'm going to write, but I've got plenty of ideas. I'd like to think I could do a screenplay for it, but I'm not that delusional. I guess I'll just write a novel. Yes, I have lots of ideas . . . so many ideas, so little time to make them all into good stories. Well, I hope the stories I write are good. I certainly enjoy writing them. Anyway, before NaNo, I've got to finish up the roughs of GM and Protégé. I'm giving myself until the end of September to do that, then I'll do some work on THOI in October, then set that aside and start my NaNo project on the first of November. whee

Grrrrrr

2007-08-27T01:12:00.000-06:00

Christy left Friday morning and hasn't returned. She avoided me all last week, wouldn't talk to me or anything, but she did talk to my mom. Apparently, Christy has issues with my sexual proclivities and my mental health issues when I'm off meds (which I am not at this time--I take my meds religiously). She's apparently afraid that I'm going to make moves on her (NOT happening), or I'm going to fly into a rage and beat her up (NOT happening). As a result, she's now been gone three days, since Friday. At this point, I'm torn between being really worried and very, very pissed. She doesn't even respect me enough to come to me with the issues that are bothering her. No, she avoids me, then disappears for days. I have to hear about her concerns from my mom, whom Christy visited at work. According to Mom, Chrisy's found a place that has an apartment opening up soon. In the meantime, Christy disappears. I don't get this. This puts me in an awkward position, considering that I'm the person she's so afraid of. I don't know what to do. Do I call the police and file a missing persons report, or do I just let it lie? At the very least, I'm planning on calling the hospitals later today. After that, I'll try and decide what to do with regards to her absence.

Aside from that, there's not much I can do.

FagBug

2007-08-26T02:08:00.000-06:00

I've added a link to FagBug, a website about a woman whose car was vandalized by less tolerant people who objected to the rainbow sticker on her bumper. She's already made one round trip through the United States, and I've read that she's planning another. I wish her success.

Writing

2007-08-26T01:53:00.000-06:00

Writing hasn't been going too well the past few days. I did write some last night--a break. Yay. I've also figured out what I'm going to do with THOI since the character sex/relationship change. I'm just going to go through and rewrite it, but using the rough draft for the other two points of view. I couldn't rewrite it all from the beginning, and it'll be interesting to see how Ikizo's pov meshes with Peikigi's and Zenao's.

Exbf is supposed to be over tomorrow. whee I'm looking forward to his visit, but not too excitedly. His kids might show up at his place before he leaves, and he might not make it. I'm glad he has such good contact with his kids--and I like them. I just wish they wouldn't show up before he comes over. LOL Oh, well, I don't begrudge him the time. It's not my way.

I was told by my phonefriend, who now has Yahoo Messenger, that he'd like to date me. Unfortunately, we've never actually met in person. He's in OR, I'm in UT. Makes things rather difficult, especially when he's trying to build up a self-made business in landscaping. He's supposed to call me in the morning. I don't think I'll be making it to Church tomorrow (shame on me).

Mom is supposed to come over today, too. I'm looking forward to her visit. I had such a nice time last time she was over. Also, she has my medicinal cream for my itchies. whee I'll finally get rid of the irritation that's been giving me itchies. I can't wait.

Christy's still not talking to me. I don't know what's going on with her, and I'm really worried. I wish she would talk with me. I can't think of anything that would get her attention, though.

Reread the Article . . .

2007-08-22T00:31:00.000-06:00

. . . among other things.

While it's still fresh: I reread the article from Commonweal again, and I still didn't understand what the woman was saying. I think she was advocating that GLBT Christians (Catholics in particular) remain celibate--that is, not having sex. I'm not sure, though. She could just have been trying to explain her reasoning why she was remaining celibate. If she is. Whatever. I just didn't understand her article, is what it comes down to.

On more personal (and probably less interesting) fronts:

I got to see Mom for the first time in a few weeks yesterday. She came over after work and we talked about a variety of things. She called to night, too. Mom said Christy came in Wal-Mart today (er, Tuesday) and she saw her, but that Christy wasn't very talkative and looked very upset. I don't know why; all I know is that she leaves without breakfast and returns home after dark to go straight to her room. I'm really worried, because I've never seen Christy this way. During the little talking she did with Mom, she made reference to my mental health condition when I'm off meds (I get voilent, but only beat up pillows) and my homosexual tendencies (I have a definite "type" when considering women, and Christy doesn't fit that type). For those who want to know, I'm primarily straight.

I've gotten some more writing done on GM, and I've put in five wordcount progress bars--scroll down and you'll find them. Boy, did I have fun doing that! I finally just added five separate things, since putting them all in the same "section" bunched them up so that you couldnt' tell where one ended and the other began.

There's been a twist in GM. An interesting one. Adio's reconciled with Brede and Gildas, and he and Gildas have bound. This puts the burden of the conflict back on Brede, where it needs to be, since he and Gildas will be making a couple more trips alone together; one so Gildas can perform his priestly service, the other so that Brede can reunite with the family he abandoned when he ran away from the foster-family he was with as a teen. He abandoned the foster-family, and also his own.

Gan's just gotten beaten up and Healed in Protégé. He's got a few allies who are helping him with classes that he's missed, and a particularly courageous student (whose teacher has threatened to throw out--the window--Gan or anyone who helps him) is assisting in a class that the teacher moved so Gan wouldn't know which room to go to. Poor Gan had a concussion. I can't wait to do the final "betrayal" scene. Poor Gan will be in much worse condition for that.

I need to do a lot of rewriting for The Hand Of Intrigue (henceforth referred to as :THOI). It seems one of my main 1st pers pov characters is not what I thought. It was going okay, but things started to get stopped up with Hiyo as Barukei's Hand Servant. Hiyo is Barukei's sister, for any who haven't had the dubious pleasure of reading other posts on THOI (my Eternal Novel/Trilogy). Things were getting stuck, anyway, so this new character should free things up a bit. I just have to rewrite the entire section from Hiyo's pov in Ikizo's voice. And I have to write it from scratch. Hiyo is too much her brother's favorit sibling for me to be able to just change the references to Ikizo (whose name may change--yet again).

The Power of Creation (TPOC) is at a complete standstill. It's set on the same world as THOI, but in a vastly different time period and location. This is where the god of the planet walked the earth. The Power of Creation is the feminine/creative half of the deity, and she's rather stranded away from the people she was born among (who don't hold with women exhibiting magical abilities). This occurs just before the magic is changed on Ferodoxis, and Amuneti's quest (along with the Power of Destruction's) will culminate in this change. I'm thinking I may have to write their books in tandem, then sort them out, and write a third, for after they meet and thus journey together. It's written in 1st person pov of companions on their quests. whee

And my greatest project, Pililani's Chosen? That is so far on the back burner, I don't know when I'll get back to it. I need to do a lot of prep-work, like deciding which characters' povs to use and exactly what each path will be. I may have to outline it a bit, too, and I don't work well with outlines. It's a project that I'll be writing for a while; not some three-month deal for the first draft like GM or Protégé is. I'm writing those at the same time, in separate files. With PC, I'll be writing in 1st person pov for every character, and it'll be a cast of at least twenty. Why? Because I have that many characters wandering around the bloody story, that's why. It'll be divided into several novels. I won't be dividing it by cutting it into three or four or five books by chapter; that would be stupid and each book would only have about three to five chapters for each character. No, I'll be dividing them up by "related" characters. Some characters will make appearances in all the books. Most characters, however, will be in pairs to threes of related characters, and the story will be told that way. So, yes, my goal for PC is 500k, but there's a good reason: 500k words=five 100k books.

Something Important . . .

2007-08-19T08:07:00.000-06:00

. . . a link to an article in Commonweal, a liberal Catholic publication. Yes, there are more liberal Catholics. It's actually a double-article, written by two different people. I had difficulty understanding the second; the woman, an out lesbian, seemed to be saying that she's denying a part of herself in favor of the Church. I don't mean that negatively, it's just what I picked up from the circular path of her opinion. Luke Timothy Johnson was much more straightforward (no pun intended). I understood his opinion (like my own), and he made some very good arguments (that I couldn't have made) about homosexuality in the Church and culture at large. Maybe it's just that I'm too tired to pick up what Eve Tushnet was trying to say. Maybe it's just that her circular opinion really doesn't go anywhere. Whatever it was, I was not satisfied with her article. I'll try reading it again after I've had plenty of rest; I like to be fair, and I was reading it after an all-nighter.

I did a search on the Commonweal site, and came up with this link (http://www.commonwealmagazine.org/recherche.php3?recherche=homosexuality&x=14&y=6) to other articles on homosexuality and the Church. It'll become dated, but it's a good start, I think, on how the Church is handling homosexuality.

Something Important . . .

2007-08-17T01:33:00.002-06:00

Why should anyone be killed? Is there ever a good reason? Self-defense is understandable, but what other reason is there? What gives anyone the right to decide who should live and die? Who am I to say, "you should die because you said somthing that upset me"? Or, "you should be killed because you're not like me"?

And what right would I have to say, "I did it because he/she was homosexual"? Or, "I did it because I was afraid the minority person would do the same to me"?

I have no right to do either. I may say, "He/she should be ****," but I don't mean it literally; I mean it as "get that criminal off the streets!" And I don't make assumptions about people--to the best of my ability, that is. I don't automatically assume that I'm going to be hit on by the attractive lesbian next door (though I wouldn't mind it; be a nice change, and I just might accept). I'm not going to assume that the black guy on the train is out to harm me; after all, he's got places to go, things to do, is probably thinking about what an awful day at work he had.

So, visit the link under "Important Things" and read the article there. Tell me what you think about the "reason" behind the killing, why poor Aaron Hall was murdered. Yes, murdered. And the really awful excuse the killers are using, because they can--there's no law against it in Indiana.

Apparently the deaths of minorities don't matter to whomever makes the votes on the hate-crime legislation that's been up for voting more than once. After all, they are just minorities, aren't they?

They're human. No one deserves to die "just because . . ."

No one.

Finally Saw Exbf

2007-08-16T16:15:00.000-06:00

Yeah, my exboyfriend came over yesterday afternoon. We watched a couple of movies and had a lot of fun. I forgot how much fun he is to be around. Had a great time, talking and teasing one another. Just like when we were together. We might get back together . . . Don't know yet, but I think that's where we're heading, from what he was saying. Honestly, I've been kind of wishing for it.

Mom heard about his visit from Christy; she doesn't trust him. She doesn't know him as well as I do, though. She's afraid everyone's going to use me for money, a place to live, whatever. Jack has a job. He makes his own money. He won't push me in more personal ways, either, but I'm sure Mom probably thinks he's after me for sex, too. She forgets that I have more experience with Jack than she does.

Didn't write yesterday because I was up all night the night before. Spent most of today in bed, too. I plan on going to bed tonight, so I finally pulled myself out of bed just before four. I've been up all night lots recently. Manic phase.

Generic Title Goes Here 1

2007-08-15T09:30:00.000-06:00

Nope, I couldn't think of an adequate title for today's post. Mostly because I'm just too lazy to. I've been up almost 24 hours. Yippee for the Manic side of Bipolar Disorder. That, and rereading the book "Memoirs of A Geisha," which was just as gripping as the first time I read it. It's inspired me to want to live in Japan--but I've been up all night, so it's mostly the book talking to me. I wonder how I'll feel about Japan tomorrow (aside from still wanting to at least visit).

I'm now moving on to a book I pulled out to make sure I got the title right when I was emailing a friend on a book he might want to use for background research. It's brand new; the copy I read before I'd borrowed from the Cathedral. I think every Christian should read it, so I'm going to give y'all the title: "Where We Got The Bible" By Henry G. Graham. Don't let the subtitle "Our Debt To the Catholic Church" frighten you away from it. You'll understand what that subtitle refers to after you've read through about half the book. The Bible didn't just "fall from the sky," as the author says (and no one "discovered" it, either--Re: Protestant Reformation). I don't suggest y'all read it so I can convert you, but so y'all will have a better understanding of the Bible itself and its history. In my opinion, all Christians should study the Bible, in whatever version they choose to read it, and studying the Bible includes understanding its history.

Speaking of the Bible, I need to get back into my studies of it.

I haven't written in two days. Gildas and Brede are languishing--well, not exactly languishing. If I get writing today, they're going to be plagued by their mutual former lover (no, they weren't with him at the same time). I'm not planning on writing any on Gan's and Tabmerlain's story, but I might, if I can get past the block today. I'd really like to, seeing as I'd rather have an easy start on it once I've got Gildas's story a bit beyond 34k. I can see Gildas's story reaching 60k easy. Gan's . . . I'm not sure. He moves on . . . I don't know if I want it to be a single thick novel or two more slender novels.

Not, of course, that I'll ever get them published. Still, there's always hope. Published or not, at least I'm having fun, and that's always been my main goal with writing. Write to please yourself; worry about everybody else later, on rewrites, revisions and edits.

My reincarnation of THOI I'm holding off on for a while. Yeah, the testwrite's going okay, but I dont know where I want the story to end. I still want it to be political intrigue, but I think I have the romance thing a bit too far forward. I want to change that, and I want to keep Peikigi's (but not so much Zenao's--don't like him much, but he has to stay) pov in. I want to keep it much the same as it was before. Hmmmmm

Do I really want to spend all that time retyping the story in to reflect the changes I've made? That's something to think on. It's at 56.5k as it stands . . . . Maybe I could just retype the portions that need to be done.

Yeah, I sometimes think "out loud."

I need to get into learning the PSPXI program I bought and put on my computer.

I think I'm going to be pretty busy today, even if I do leave out learning PSP--so I don't throw my monitor out the window in a fit of temper (side effect of not sleeping because of Mania).

Long time . . .

2007-08-13T08:12:00.000-06:00

Again. Yeah, I know I need to keep up with this. Maybe I will this time. Yeah.

Anyway, I'm revamping my Blog, changing some things, adding others. I think I'm finally settling--somewhat--into the person I want to be. I'm not pinning myself down, though. I did that with the Catholicism, and it's taken me about a month to get back on track with my life since realizing what I did. I'm reopening myself to some of my past political/social opinions, adjusting the zeal of my faith, embarking on new writing experiences, and stretching my skills into drawing and other artsy things. Someday, I plan to buy a flute and learn to play it again. I can't afford it now, though.

Healthwise, I'm doing okay. I had a scare late last month--abdominal pain. I went to the emergency room (no insurance!) afraid of appendicitis. After spending about eight hours in the emergency room, having a sonogram, and being given a wonderful combination of Maalox and mixed with a painkiller (put me to sleep, it did--a good thing after getting less than two hours of sleep before going to the emergency room), I was told I had gall bladder stones. The gall bladder is this little sack that produces bile and aids in the breakdown of fat. The pain I had was because a gall stone (formed from excess fat and other stuff) had blocked the tube that the bile goes through. I now have a $600.00+ bill and the injunction to have my gall bladder removed. My insurance kicked in at the beginning of this month, but I am nervous about going under the knife . . . so, I'm "thinking about it." My primary care physician gave me the number I'm supposed to call to arrange this surgery.

http://ashelton.deviantart.com/ is where you can find my art on Deviant Art. I have only two drawings and a bad painting of an eye up there, but everything takes practice. whee I actually like my first one, "Gildas At Prayer" best. He's one of the Main Characters in one of my new writing progects. The painting was my attempt at his eye, which is still much more vivid in my mind than it is in paint. The other drawing is of both my MCs from that first writing work: Gildas is laying down and Brede is standing behind him. In case you were wondering, it's gay erotica set in a fantasy world.

At this point, I'm working on two eroticas, and one romance. All gay, all in fantsasy worlds. I'm restarting THOI for this--again. I've spent seventeen years trying to get things right; I hope this is the last time. A couple of ideas have met for a SF story, but I need to work out more world (universe) building on it. All I really have now are cyborgs, one-man fighters, and an alien culture. No real story yet. I may testwrite it once I get a couple of my current projects out of the way.

Moved

2007-06-13T02:39:00.000-06:00

Well, I've moved. From good 'ol Fourth & Main to a better place, not so prone to elevator breakdowns. Christy's with me (I misspelled her name before) and I was allowed to keep my dog, Poopie. I'll see if I can upload a pic of him here shortly.

We're still on the train line, which is good for getting to and from our "favorite" store: Wal*Mart. whee

Draco and John moved away, to Texas. I gave John my airbed and took his twin, but I had to throw it away because it became infested with cockroaches. yick Now I have to spray my new bed because I think more roaches are coming out of it. They've taken up refuge in the holes for the side-rails. I've got the top bunk of bunk beds; Christy has the bottom bunk.

I'm now on VA pension and SSDI, but I suspect that the VA pension will drop to about $150.00 or thereabouts because I'm making a little over $700.00 on SSDI. whoopee I can't wait for that to happen.

My back-pay from SSDI hasn't come in yet; I've got another few months. I've already got plans for it; I'm going to set it aside. If Mom moves back to FL, I'm going back to NC--that's about as close to FL as I can stand to live. Everywhere else in the southeast coast is too humid. I plan on taking a vacation back to NC anyway. I want to see my friends there and check out the Catholic churches, in case I have to move, so I'll know which one I'm going to.

Just sprayed my bed. Hope that's the last of 'em.

yick Now my room smells like floral bug spray.

Tried uploading the pic several times, but it didn't work. I'll try it again later. *sigh*

Rather uninteresting day

2007-04-18T21:33:00.000-06:00

Went to Wal*Mart with Christie today. Got some things. whee. Finally got my digital camera; I was tired of waiting for another 10 megapixel Kodak to come in, so I took the 8 megapixel Kodak. Basically the same, just different colors. Got another expansion pack for Sims 2, and a 4 Gig mp3 player. I'm putting my music on it, and I figure I'll put the novels on my 1 Gig. I want to hit the mall tomorrow and pick up some new music and the book I ordered at B&N.

Mom got off work a while after Christie and I bought my stuff, so we waited for her and accompanied her home as far as my stop. It was good to see her. I like living close to her, but I don't want her in the same house. It's good this way.

I'm now waiting for a form from Social Security so I can notify them of the VA's decision to support me. I still need to go down to the Housing Authority for the paperwork I have to fill out and send in for them. I'll probably get down there on Friday; tomorrow isn't too pretty, and I want to stay close to home.

I wasn't really coming up out of the hole . . .

2007-04-16T21:34:00.000-06:00

I sank deeper, instead. It got to the point where I wasn't able to find a reason to take my meds most days. Very bad December, until after Christmas, when I started taking my meds again.

I went to the VA evals (I bent my cane on the way, by banging it against a light pole, which commented only with two ponderous whong sounds and not a spot of damage; my meds hadn't kicked in yet). Saw the CUTE asian doctor who checked my knees, then went to a rather interesting psych eval immediately after. That was a strange session. He said it sounds more like I've got Mixed State Bipolar Disorder (extreme highs and lows--the mixture--in long periods of lows or highs), some Anxiety Disorder, and possibly some PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).

In March I received my big back-payment from SSI. It went pretty quick, as I spent it on a nice next-to-top-of-the-line computer, copier/printer/scanner, and an MP3 Player. Not to mention The Sims 2 and all its expansion packs. Now another new one has come out: Celebration. I need to get that one. My computer was so new that it came with Windows Vista. At the beginning of April, I received my first monthly check from SSI.

However, on March thirtieth or thirty-first, I received a letter from the VA stating that they were going to give me a pension. Yay! I have to notify the Social Security office, and I'll do that tomorrow; I'll most likely lose my SSI, but I don't mind. $623.00 is less than I'm getting from the VA.

I'm on Medicaid now, too. No more PCN (Primary Care Network: a Utah variation on Medicaid, so people without insurance can have some coverage at least). Medicaid picked up my bill at Valley Mental Health and pays for me to go there to see my doctor and go to groups. whee

I'm doing quite well now, and I'm content with my life. Returning to the Catholic Church was the best thing I did, because it was Midnight Mass on Christmas that reminded me how important life is and that I couldn't give up on it.

Coming back up out of the hole . . .

2006-11-29T01:55:00.000-07:00

Well, my mental health condition had the better of me for much of the month of November. I seem to be coming out of the hole now; I'm writing again. I'm glad.

I'm still proceeding with the SSD stuff. I now have an advocate, and I'm to notify him the instant I get a reply from Social Security. I've got tons of appointments at the beginning of December, including a couple of evals with the VA. I'm hoping someone will agree with my case. I've thought of working, but I'm afraid of hearing the voices again. The past few months have been the best since I started getting help in terms of presence of psychosis. I just wish I had a counselor. Oh, well. If I get Medicade, I'll be able to go to South Valley Mental Health and get my old counselor back--and I will get him. I won't settle for anyone else. whee

Now All I Have To Do . . .

2006-10-13T12:29:00.000-06:00

. . . is send off my paperwork for the Department of Workforce Services and fill out and send in my stuff for SSI. whee

DWS wants my last three paycheck stubs. There are a couple of problems with that, however. I lost the stubs. I cannot get a record of my last three pay stubs from Wally world. And, I cannot get a record of them from the benefits website because it doesn't recognize my hire date and other info the site wants for me to register. So, I'm S.O.L..

As for the SSI stuff, I need to figure out how to fill it out. whee That's going to be fun.

Exhausted . . .

2006-10-11T18:45:00.000-06:00

I got up at 0700 this morning. I did so because I slept from 1600 on yesterday. I needed the sleep then. This meant my day started early. whee

Mom and I went and got Poopie's license today, and then we went down to Valley Mental Health to get the paperwork finished off for me to keep him. Tom, the manager of the building where I live, told me to tell Mom that she couldn't stay much longer. So, Mom's been looking for work and today turned into a business day. While at VMH, I also filled out a form to receive my medication Geodon for free. I can't afford to pay for it any more.

When we got home, I went straight to bed, I was so tired. I slept from about 1600 to about 1800, and I still feel like I could sleep. I feel like I went everywhere today. We were out 7 hrs because we're on public transit so most of the time was spent waiting for the rail or the bus.

Tomorrow, I hit Wal*Mart to tackle paperwork for my food stamps and general assistance money. Wish me luck. whee

More Business Completed

2006-10-06T19:08:00.000-06:00

Well, I got the paperwork finished today, and guess what arrives in the mail? More paperwork. I've got so much going on it's a wonder my head's still on straight. It's a good thing Mom's here, or I'd just be feeling so overwhelmed I'd give up.

Paid five bucks on my overdue fees at the Library today and checked out three books. I couldn't find the ones I was looking for. All the Idiot's Guides were checked out. LOL Still, I got some interesting ones. I'll talk about one or two of them on my Pagan blog and the other on my writing blog, as I read the books. I've already started on one, and it's proven very interesting. I'll discuss what I've learned so far on my Pagan blog.

Finally Went To The VA Yesterday

2006-10-04T02:24:00.000-06:00

I went to the VA and they gave me paperwork to take to my doctor. whee Good thing I could get in at 1230 tomorrow.

Moved all my blogs to beta tonight. Wish I had more time to work on them. Oh, well, there's always tomorrow night.

Not much done today . . .

2006-09-30T20:45:00.000-06:00

But it's Saturday, isn't it?

I did get some writing done.

I started a new blog. It's about my path of learning in Paganism and will, eventually, include some interesting links to other Pagan sites.

Not much else happened today.

Lazy Day

2006-09-29T21:23:00.000-06:00

I didn't actually get out to the VA today. Will on Monday, though. Today was pretty much a lazy day, where I hung out online and did little writing.

Just a kind of blah day.

Changes

2006-09-29T00:35:00.000-06:00

I was going to go with a blue template, but decided this "Harbor" one looked better. Very classly, eh?

Mom's itching for a job already. She plans on getting out next week for job hunting. Our dog, Poopie (named by my sister), is getting used to the city life, and he likes to run down to visit my boyfriend, John, who lives just two doors down on the other side of the hall. Speaking of John, he's spending the night tonight, and Mom's sleeping on her air mattress in his apartment. LOL

I haven't changed religions again; still happily pagan. I go to a small church called The Church of the Crystal Dragon--I'll have to ask my friend, Draco, if he has a website up. Actually, I think he does. I just need to get the url and I'll add it to my Links or Visit list. I'm the Elder of Libations at the church; that basically means I arrange for someone to bring the juice and grain product to church for our Libations at the end of our meetings. That reminds me; I still have to make a list of the members so I know when to ask which person to bring Libations. whee

My writing's started up again: see Pen and Keyboard for info.

It was a mistake for me to go back to Western research. I wasn't really paying attention to myself emotionally, and one day, I realized I was depressed. It took me a couple days to figure out why, and I learned that being back there put me under stress again--unsteady hours. Not good, so I tried full-time at Wal*Mart. And I almost had another breakdown. I was let go--rehireable status--but I don't think I'll be going back. It was just too stressful; I was hearing voices on the job before they fired me, and I was going to have to quit soon because of it.

Now, instead, I'm filing for SSI. I expect to go to the VA tomorrow because the social security people want me to see what I can get from whatever source is available. I doubt I'll get anything from the VA. They wouldn't even help me when I went to them a couple years ago with psychosis and severe depression: I hadn't served 24 consecutive months in the Navy was their reason. Load of CRAP, I say. Oh, well.

Mom has arrived!

2006-09-26T23:12:00.000-06:00

Well, now I have a computer and internet at home. The reason: Mom's here now, and she wanted internet. LOL She brought our dog, Poopie, too.

My writing should start back up; I'll post on it tomorrow.

It's been a year! Yikes!

2006-02-28T20:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's been a year--well, more than that--and I'm finally making a new post. A lot of things have happened in the past year, and I'm anxious to share the news.

Okay, first, I got into the New Grand Apartments. whee I'm coming up on my first year (crowd cheers) and I'm looking forward to being here a good while. It's been a good place, nice and secure. Except the vandals who've recently been marking up the stairwells and walls and breaking the lobby mirrors either on their way out or in--visiting friends.

I changed jobs, then went back again. From Western Research to Convergys (where I nearly had a breakdown) and back to Western Research. At Convergys, I was taking phone calls for DirecTV. If you want to get anything, I suggest you get cable, unless you're looking for the Superbowl and its preceding games or nationwide college football. The problem was that they kept upping what they wanted us to do in the allotted time limit--but they never raised that limit. After about two months, I was done. The transportation was bad, too; I had to get rides from work on Saturdays and Sundays because the bus between Convergys and the light rail wasn't running when I got off work at about eight those nights. The whole job just sucked--and being stuck with the supervisor I had made it worse. He didn't know his right hand from his left some days. So, I went back to Western Research. Not stable or steady, but I'm comfortable there, I know the routine, and I won't stress out. I don't want another breakdown.

And now, for the grand finale!

I've gone Pagan.

Catholicism wasn't giving me what I really needed. It couldn't. And, besides, when I was honest with myself, I realized that every time I was looking at religions, Pagan religions, techniques, or people surfaced at the same time. I think the gods were trying to tell me something.

Now, I have houseguests (whose computer I'm using at this moment), take psycho meds regularly, and am looking forward to getting a new pair of glasses at the end of this month if I have enough money. Yes, I'm living on a budget--work's been slow, but I'm glad I'm back at WR. Not able to write because the computer that I was using died (I think the previous owner removed all the programming when I asked him to fix it), and I had it removed from my home. I've got a new computer--if DI (the Mormon version of the thrift store), counts as new. Well, new to me. My friend, Draco, hasn't been able to load an operating system on it because the darn thing won't recognize the cd drive.

I'm also crocheting again. Having fun making mistakes on an easy but complicated project.

And I've had an exciting weekend, fending off my severely depressed single parent from hopping in her car with her dog and driving up here from Florida. She called back on Sunday and apologized, however, so she's come back to her senses and will save money first. At least until the next desperate call, that is.

See y'all later.

today . . .

2005-03-04T09:57:00.000-07:00

Not much new going on. I went to the New Grand Hotel Apartments to explain my monetery situation--I may have to wait a month or so before moving in so I can save up money to move in--and the manager told me that I'm fifth on the list and he's planning on moving someone in. He might start processing my application this week. whee

Thought of something I could do for my Church--I've been wanting to volunteer doing something and get involved in things, but I can't because of the times a lot of things run. Either when I'm at work, or the meetings run past when the bus stops running. I figure I'll start beading again, and I'll make rosaries and sell them to the Lady's Guid (I think that's who does it) jewelery case for the Church. I'm not going to charge a lot--just enough to pay for my beads. I just need some spare funds to start up.

I've got an appointment to go to the Social Security office, too. It's on the 28th of this month. Going to see if I can get some SSI assistance. whee

I'm not planning on sticking out the whole day at work today. I need to cash my check, so I'm going to sign out when I get it. I need to pay two weeks back rent, and, if I have enough, two weeks forward. Maybe only one week forward--I need some things like dodorant and soap. Anyway, I plan on paying as much as I can.

whee

2005-02-24T12:32:00.000-07:00

Hello again. Not much new in life. Work is going okay--yesterday I got my first manual-dial job. It was a recruitment job with a commission, and I got two completes on it out of almost 52. But no commission. Neither person was in the right age group for it. *sigh* I don't ever want to do another manual-dial again. It was awful.

I made my friend Jack angry last night. It upset me that I upset him. I didn't intend to, but I did. *kicking self in rear* It occurred to me that I couldn't turn away from Jack completely. We're good friends, and I need all the friends I can get. I just have to be careful with what I do. Deborah's told me I just can't tell him all my secrets. There's no one in the world who knows all my secrets, however. I don't think there ever will be.

I want to write. I've got to make some time to get out to Dale and Deborah's and get my stuff off the computer so I can write. If I hadn't packed up all the files on disk, it'd be easier. I have to go buy some new ones and copy everything and bring it here to the library to work on. whee So many ideas, so little common sense. LOL

I'm going a week behind on my rent; I need the money for something else, and I figure I can make up the rent with my first two-week paycheck. It should get me enough money to pay for a full month's rent! yay!! Now, if only I can get into the apartments I want, I'll be doing great. :D Pray for me and wish me luck.

Only a few more weeks until Lent is over and Easter is here and I become a full Catholic. I've been approached twice by "saved" people and it's such a pleasure to say, "No, thank you, I'm Catholic." I'm happy in my faith, and I'm glad I came to it.

Hello, again

2005-02-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

Updating again. whee I know I said I'd be in at least once a week, but I got a job, and it mucked up all my free time. heh heh I'm working at Western Research; we do phone surveys. Let me repeat the last two words: PHONE SURVEYS. So, if you get a call from a research place, or someone says they're doing a survey, please at least be polite. It doesn't matter if you agree to do the survey or not, just be polite. We get a lot of people who are rude, and it gets a little frustrating sometimes when someone says, "Fuck you," and I can't make my usual smart-aleck reply of, "No, thanks." Additional note: People who are doing telephone surveys are not, I repeat NOT trying to sell you anything. They're going to ask a bunch of nosey questions and then thank you. Also, the "Do Not Call List" is good only for telemarketers, NOT telephone surveyors. It means nothing to us because we're not trying to sell things; (once again) we're only going to ask questions.

Okay, that's done. whee

On the personal side . . . I'm ending the shortest relationship I think I've ever had. Jack's a nice fellow, a real sweetheart, and everything I ever asked for in a man--except Christian. Yeesh, I never thought I'd ever say that, but it's true. He's Wiccan, and, while I have nothing against Wiccans personally, Catholicism does, and I don't want to jeapordize my place in the Church. I love God, and I want to please Him, so I have to end the relationship, even down to being friends. It hurts, but my faith and my place in the Catholic Church is very important to me. Please pray for me. *sigh*

I think that's all for now. I try to get back on next Thursday.

Posting From A Friend's

2005-01-30T22:06:00.000-07:00

I'm over at Nancy's, fighting with the spacebar to type. whee. Had a funny moment when I checked my email--I'm at the home of the one individual I actually knew who sent me numerous emails I could have asked her if she'd saved.

I have a job [dancing in chair]. It's doing phone surveys; I go to training on Friday. Congratulate me. Thank you, thank you. :)

Things are really starting to get better, I think. I've applied for an apartment at a subsidized apartment building down town--called The New Grand. It used to be a hotel along the lines of the one I'm living in now, but a property management company bought it and refurbished it into one-bedroom apartments. The day I applied, there were twelve people ahead of me; I'm hoping they all found other housing and don't want an apartment any more. I really want to move out of the Regis. I'm tired of finding dead and dying cockroach babies in my mini-fridge.

I've made a new friend. Well, yeah. I'm chuckling as I think about him. I'm blushing, too. Ahem. On to other subjects. [chuckle]

I want to write--it drives me nuts that I'm not able to--when I think about it. I've suddenly got hordes of ideas, and I want to finish THoI so much it almost hurts. I really need to get a few floppies and transfer my writing from D.O.C. so I can write at the library. Won't allow myself to check out books or movies or anytyhing, but I can use the computer lab!

Okay, it's about 20 to 11 here, and I'm tired. Signing out and going to bed. [yawn] G'night y'all.

Happy New Year (and other things . . .)

2005-01-22T09:38:00.000-07:00

Whee. Blogger's changed again, and I'm playing with the font stuff.

Aside from that, it's been a busy . . . five months. I was researching Judaism, but my friend Deborah told me I wasn't giving Jesus a chance, so I did. I am now just two months away from completing my conversion to the Catholic Faith. I have memorized one set of Mysteries for the Rosary, and am looking forward to having my first Catholic Communion. I plan to go to my first confession today, and to stay after for the Mass so I can get a Blessing from Father (Bircumshaw) because part of the Rite of Catholic Initiation for Adults (R.C.I.A.) includes Dismissals at the 11:00 a.m. Mass on Sunday.

Every Thursday we have an R.C.I.A. class, and the most recent one was on the Sacrament of Matrimony. It made me think of a friend back in NC. Gerald.

Ahem. Anyway, there are some updates on the family front, too. My sister and her husband are doing well in Germany. Mom is now in Florida, living with my cousin, Ashley. Whee. She tried staying at Aunt Bonita's, but it was too cluttered there, and my uncle was abusing Poopie (Mom's dog) verbally. Ashley's kids love Poopie, though, which is good, and I've spoken with Ashley's oldest daughter (about video games and game systems--tee hee). They want me to visit already.

Wish I could. I am at this moment looking at being behind on my rent next month. If I can't get any help for Februrary's rent, I'll rip out my hair. I'm getting General Assistance from the state, but it's good only for the next 11 months, and it's only half the amount I need for rent. whee. I'm also applying for Disability and SSI--I'm on meds now, but my mind still gives me problems with jobs and job hunting. I did Bell-ringing again in December, but I had to take lots of breaks to get through the 9-10 hour days. I wasn't as stressed as in '03, but I wasn't as well as I thought, either. I don't think there are any meds that could make me completely mentally stable--ever. But what I have now is the ability to function, and I force myself to hunt for work. I have to, if I'm going to make ends meet. Thank God for food stamps. I wouldn't be able to eat without 'em.

I'm living in what I half-affectionately call a "roach hotel." I call it so because of the high roach population. I have roach bait, which seems to be keeping the adult population down, but the babies aren't stupid enough to partake of the bait. They're coming in from my immediate neighbor's room--I'd say he lives in a pig sty, but that would be an insult to pigs. I have, in the month and a half since moving in made a friend (Brian, who is Baptist) and acquired a mini fridge of my own, as well as a t.v.--both with Brian's help. He's a security guard there, and he gets all this info while he's working. The baby cocroaches keep infiltrating my fridge and dying cold, hungry deaths because I keep everything in big Ziploc baggies. Maybe they really are stupid, just in a way different from the adults. My friends the Whites are letting me borrow their old microwave, since they have an over-the-stove one in their new home. My friend, Lillian, has offered me the borrow of one of her video players, but I refused--it would disappear, and I would throw a holy hissy fit about it.

I have few RL friends here in SLC, but they are GOOD friends.

Blogger Changed Again

2004-08-07T11:16:00.000-06:00

Well, I'm back, and Blogger has done it again. Whee. I love it when they change formats. This one is better than the last, though. I actually understand what's going on.

Dale and Deborah ended up spending July away from home. Their van broke down on the way to visit her family, then it broke down when they got there. They went and visited a brother of hers who lives in VA, then they stopped in Ohio on the way back to see Dale's son. They also stopped in Denver to see Dar and to get a (small) box of my stuff. I was kind of hoping for my big green tub of clothes and stuff, or my backpack with all my writing stuff, but I got a box that has three pair of jeans that don't fit, two pillows, and some old sweats. At least I got my winter bumming shirt back.

I trained the cat to jump up on my lap for petting while D&D were gone. Deborah's jealous.

I hit a bit of a depression while they were gone, and I didn't get any job searching done. I put in applications, but nothing really exciting. I just couldn't find the interest or the energy. I spent most of the time over at Nancy's, helping her. I've helped weed the side garden, plant flowers around her lamppost, and I've babysat her kids. Just to get out of the apartment. I couldn't stand being alone in a place that I knew was missing two other people.

I'm getting a desk chair--Darryl's old one. Nancy was having trouble convincing her husband to let it go, so I suggested they give the chair to me. LOL He's agreed, and when they get the new chair, I get the old one. In anticipation of this event (no more folding chair at the desk--yay!) I've rearranged my room. I've also lost my wallet--I'm afraid that I may have accidentally thrown it out while cleaning during the rearrangement, because I've looked everywhere for it and can't find it. That had everything in it. Now I have to get it all replaced. Still, at least my room's neat. LOL

I need to update more often, don't I?

2004-07-01T12:25:00.000-06:00

Wow. I didn't realize a month had passed. I keep thinking I updated just a couple weeks ago. I guess I have quite a bit of catching up to do.

I've quit my job. Too many problems with pay. I wasn't getting any check stubs and my checks either bounced, or they . . . bounced. I figured if I wasn't going to get paid for my work, I may as well not be working there at all. I've gotten my boss's phone number, though. I'll be able to use him as a reference, and he said he'd keep me in mind either if things improved or if he came across a job he thinks I might be good for. Wow. First networking ever. LOL

Writing's far behind. I figure if I can keep myself halfway to my real daily writing goal, I'll be okay. I'm supposed to be at 79,000 words as of today, but I'm only at about 38,000. whee Things are developing differently, though the MC still ends up spending a lot of time in someone's third-floor greenhouse. See P&K1 for details.

I'm exploring a little more into Judaism. I've found two books that, together, have given me a great overview of the religion. If you're curious, they're The Complete Idiot's Guide to Understanding Judaism and Essential Judaism. Both are very good, and I recommend them both. The Idiot's Guide is rather light, compared to Essential Judaism, and I think the Rabbi has tried to address a younger audience; there are moments when I feel like looking for the preteen he seems to be addressing. It gives a good general overview of Judaism, though and seems well organized. Essential Judaism gives a lot of details, including what to do for certain ceremonies and rituals, when to pray (often), what to pray about (I'm still looking for a blessing for the kitchen sink--there's a blessing for everything else, it seems), why there are so many prayers, and the four basic "sects" of Judaism (Orthodox, Reform, Reconstructionist, and The One I Always Forget The Name Of). There are two synagogues here in SLC, and I've heard that one accepts converts. I need to find out which one it is. There's also one with a Rabbi who's a lesbian who's had a committed relationship for years (according to Deborah). I'm pretty sure it's the same congregation that accepts converts. When I told a new friend (Lillian) that I was considering Judaism, she said she was, too. I need to set up a date to go with her to the synagogue; possibly a Saturday. She knows which synagogue takes converts and we should be able to find out what times they have services. First, though, I need a bus pass. whee LOL

*yawn* I need to get up and get moving before I fall asleep.

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth

2004-05-29T02:44:00.000-06:00

I now have a lisp. I'm relearning how to say the letter F again. I have another six or so weeks while the upper bone heals. Then I'll find a dentist who can remove the other four front teeth and spend another month or so completely toothless up front. whee LOL I do plan on getting dentures--more fun relearning--again--how to talk and eat.

Don't ever trip and nosedive into the sidewalk--or any hard surface for that matter.

Commercial . . . .

2004-05-14T18:31:00.000-06:00

Combined fees for emergency transport to hospital and ER care: $1,200.00

Fees for maxillosurgical work and dental pan x-ray: $1,000.00

Expressions on faces of coworkers who haven't heard about the accident: priceless

I used to have an overbite; now I have a space full of stitches. I tripped on my own two feet and the sidewalk took my right incisor. The dental surgeon pulled out my left one at my request. I'm considering having the remaining four teeth in the front removed. I have spaces between them and my molars, and I think it'll be easier to get a bridge for the whole lot. whee I'm now relegated to eating baby cereal and yogurt anyway; may as well finish the lot, eh?

Work is good--except the part where my employers are having trouble with the bank. This means I haven't seen a paycheck, and this is my third week of employment. They pay every two weeks.

Ow. If I pull my lip wrong, it pulls on the stitches. yeowch.

Good Day

2004-05-05T13:59:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a pretty good day. First, surprised by the fact that I didn't have to work after all. Always good. Got my bus pass (yay!), then got my hair cut (washed it last night so it was wet when I went to bed and woke up with curls everywhere LOL). Went to the Mall and got Deborah a gift card at the bookstore for Mom's Day--and I bought Mom a card, too. I need to get it mailed off this week. Going to try for tomorrow--didn't make it to the post office today because I wrote.

Do not eat green tea ice cream from Dreyers. It's good, but not after the first half scoop--very much an acquired taste . . .

Preparing to go to work now. whee. LOL Actually looking forward to it. eep.

More On Meds

2004-05-04T19:56:00.000-06:00

Well, the meds are working. I think the Zyprexa's jacked up my hands, though. They keep going fuzzy-numb.

Got a new job--permanent one. Dishwashing and prep cook at Club Azure. If you're in the SLC area, come to Club Azure--I want to keep my job. It's taken over where Dimitri's apparently left off. Nice wood dance floor, artwork you can eat (and in good portions, too!), and they're going to have bands. Please come to Club Azure.

Okay, plug's done.

Leave it to me, though, to start the "final" rewrite of my first novel on the same week I get a permanent job. *rolls eyes at self* Figures. Now I'm way behind, because I've first been sick, now too busy settling in to work. Oh, well. I can catch up. I think.

Meds

2004-03-24T17:36:00.000-07:00

Well, still no word on the therapist, but I've seen the doc who prescribes the meds. I'm on Zyprexa and Paxil--first on 12.5 mg now on 25 mg. I don't know if I quite got over the introduction of the meds, and now one's increased. Both make you drowsy.

However, I am more myself than I have been since the Navy. I feel more into things, more aware. If you've never had mental illness, it's hard to imagine. I was afraid that my writing would suffer because of it, but I feel more interested in my writing, not less. I go back next week for an eval with the prescribing doc.

All I need now is my counselor. whee

Deborah's got a busy schedule. She's in physical therapy; water therapy two days a week, and she goes to a therapy center twice a week for exercizes, massage therapy, and electrostimulation (I think that's what she called it). I don't know how she does it, and I admire her courage and determination. I don't know if I could do what she's doing.

DOC's keyboard is mucky today. H is AWOL, typing the X produces XZ, and typing Q produces QW, and Z deletes; 1 makes the cursor bounce back and forth between the last place you started typing and back to the end. THe quotation/apostrophe key produced an apostrophe now, whether or not the shift key is used. The little key at the far top left, usually next to the 1 key no longer works at all. Waaaaah! I want to write!

Missing Leftovers

2004-03-03T11:45:00.000-07:00

Where are my leftovers? I made some four-cheeze Rice-A-Roni stuff and now the leftovers are gone. I think Dale ate it. Apparently, he thought it had been in the house for a couple weeks and had only just gotten to the "you-better-eat-it-before-it-gets-out-to-attack-you" stage. It's rather aggrivating. They leave leftovers in the fridge for weeks--eat stuff I'd never consider eating---and he goes for the stuff I put in on Sunday. I thought no one would notice it. I mean, we've got leftover roast bits that have been in the fridge since the end of January, and he sees a little container with a few bites of rice-and-pasta stuff in it? *snarl*

On the bright side--I finally got my intake done at Valley Mental Health. whee The woman listened to me babble for about an hour and told me that next week I'll get my therapist and on the 15th I go to see the doctor for meds. She said I seem very motivated--I told her the truth, that I wanted to get back to the real me, the pre-Navy me--and she said she'd go ahead and send me to the doctor for my med eval, even though they don't usually do that. She also said that the doctor who referred me to VMH was someone who would have turned me away if she'd thought I was faking.

Thank you Liz McGill!

I'm so glad. Whee

Interesting Dream

2004-02-26T09:21:00.000-07:00

0910. I'm not as awake as you might think; my eyes are still sticky. All I want to know is why I was carrying around some flexible windshield thingie in my dream. I went everywhere with it--just carrying it under my arm. I went with Mom to pick up her dog, Poopie from some funky futuristic windows-and-steel groomers (who didn't groom Poopie because Mom couldn't pay them). I carried the thing through a forest where my friends and I saw some people we didn't particularly want to see. These peope were talking about something that had us making sarcastic, if unimaginative, remarks like, "Ooooh, that sounds fascinating!" while we evaded them. I had a girl friend who wanted to get her nails done but said she didn't want to a beauty salon that was advertising free cuticle tucks because they also tucked something else (I don't know what) and she didn't want to get that done just for the free cuticle thing. I then decided it was time for me to leave, and I offered her my floppy windshield thingie but she said no. By this time, I was wearing some funky heavy necklace somone had given me--I don't recall recieving it, but I do remember hefting the chain briefly and thinking how heavy it was. I got my small (open) umbrella because it looked like it was going to rain and walked across the street with the funky flexible windshield thigie flopping. I held it like a pizza, and at that moment, I woke up enough to realize my right hand had fallen asleep. I turned to sleep on my stomach and the dream was gone, though I do remember that the building I was in front of sat on the corner and was a very tall, very slender, modern-looking brownstone.

whee

I'm going to go wake up some more.

Trivia

2004-02-20T13:56:00.000-07:00

Deborah gave Dale a movie trivia calendar for Christmas. Today's trivia question:

Which legendary ruler did John Wayne play in The Conquerer?

A) Atilla the Hun
B) Genghis Khan
C) Marquis de Sade
D) Julius Caesar

I picked Julius Ceasar, thinking John Wayne wouldn't play either Atilla or Genghis--neither of those men were of european descent, IIRC. I was wrong.

He played Genghis.

And now my mind insists on replaying Genghis sauntering up in old armor and a gun belt to say, "Hey, there, little lady. Let me hold this door for ya," in that western-drawl of John Wayne's. *shaking head*

I think I need more sleep.

After the Fact

2004-02-18T14:07:00.000-07:00

There's nothing quite like remembering you had an appointment to be somewhere after the fact.

Please excuse me while I go bang my head on the wall . . .

Possibilities

2004-02-17T17:24:00.000-07:00

I'm . . . okay today. Finally have a chance at getting some mental health help. Yay. That's if I can ever get to talk to the guy I was referred to, despite lack of insurance. I think DWS is going to pick up the tab on it, to get me back into the workforce.

In the mean time, I'm considering doing babysitting jobs. I find kids easier to deal with on some levels--simple wants and needs. Play games, fix food, send to bed. Parents will pay me to do this. Not very hard. At least, I hope not. I can't imagine any children with more energy than Nancy's two.

I've not had a very emotionally good time since my last post. Most of it's been intense fear. A lot of frustration and anger and bad temper all around, too. Most of it's because I just want to be better--but I can't get better by myself. If I can get in to talk to the guy I was referred to, then maybe I can get some help--even if it's only just meds for now. I need to stabilize.

Today . . . is a good day.

Yesterday wasn't quite this good (but I did get somechocolate-which I then promptly ate), and I don't know if tomorrow will be better or worse. I'm not betting on "better." I'll be happy if it's the same as today. Well, maybe not happy, but at lest I won't be pissed.

The only thing I can do is hope. I can't go on like this. I'd say it's driving me crazy, except I'm already halfway there. I need help.

Valid Replies

2004-01-23T14:13:00.000-07:00

DISCLAIMER: I do not intend to offend; these are my thoughts only; I'm not trying to bash or cut down Christianity. I'm only trying to share some of the thoughts that come up when I'm accosted by people who want to argue me into joining their faith. Stated somewhat facetiously in some instances--old self-defence mechanisms.

What I think when someone tells me I MUST believe in Jesus:

Why do we need Jesus? Is he translating? Why can't I, as a child of god, speak directly to God? Is Jesus screening prayers?

What I think when someone tells me I'm going to go to "Hell!" if I don't believe in Jesus:

Immediate thought: I'm already there, and you're the tour guide.

Next thought: Jesus was Jewish. In essence, he was a Rabbi. (I do not make this argument vocal--I usually hear variations on, "Only people who believe in Jesus will go to Heaven.")

What I think when I hear variations on, "Only people who believe in Jesus will go to Heaven!":

I'm glad I won't have your company in my afterlife.

What I think when I hear refrences to Satan/the Devil:

Immediate thought: Oh, no, not again.

Next thought: If more people took responsibility for their actions, we wouldn't need a scapegoat.

What I think when I hear "And God Led me (this way), and God Taught me (this thing), and God Brought me to you.":

So, you didn't apply for student aid, and you didn't go to college, and you didn't decide to stop me on the sidewalk and prosthelytize at me. Wow, someone who has no free will. Where's Ripley . . .

* I do believe God works through us. I also believe that he lets us make the decisions and that he uses those decisions to our benefit. I don't believe he does everything; that would probably defeat whatever purpose he has in mind for us.

What I think when I'm told to give my life to Jesus and he will take care of me:

Immediate thought: Okay! I'm ready to sign the contract!

Next thought: Only if he promises I won't become like you.

Next thought: You know, if I wait for Jesus to do it, I won't find a job, won't get mental health, and I'll starve.

OR

God helps those who help themselves.

*I know it's not meant literally, but I can't help myself. Some of those who've tried to convince me to convert have been hideous. When I ask if Jesus/God will find me a job, they say, "Yes!" Never mind the real-world comon-sense requirements.

What I think when I hear, "God/Jesus will heal you of your mental illness.":

Yes, through medications to stabilize the chemical imbalance in my brain, and, if necessary, through counselling.

What I think when I hear, "God has brought you here to be in the his presence.":

I wasn't aware that God has blind spots.

What I think when someone says, "God will Touch you with his Spirit!":

I shouldn't have agreed to come to this church service. Where's the door?

What I think when I hear, "The Devil/Satan made me do it.":

Puh-leeze! When your head spins 360 degrees, I'll believe you.

What I think when I hear, "I succeeded in (this) because of God!":

You didn't study? You didn't practice? You made no preparations for it by yourself? Wow.